Seriously. Surviving on nothing. That is what the unemployed of the UK do now.
Let me clarify just a little
UK Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) Is 51GBP per week. That's just over 200GBP a month. At current conversion rates, that is roughly $326US. A month. A MONTH!
The only bills we have removed are rent and council taxes, any other taxes, electric, gas, water rates, etc etc, are all to be paid out of that amount per month. So lets work this out shall we?
I get 204 per month (no money symbol = GBP, american laptop)
My electricity and gas costs 45 per month, so deduct that = 159
My phone and internet, which are essential for my ldr costs 30 a month = 129
My water rates cost 54 a month = 75
My cellphone contract doesn't end yet, so that costs me 36 p/m = 39
Oh, I had a loan when I moved in, so they deduct 20 p/m for that = 19
Nineteen Pounds. That amount there, good folks, is all I have with which to keep my cat alive, buy essential toiletries (for any confusion, I'm female, shampoo and tampons are considered essential), feed myself, keep my clothes clean, travel to and from job interviews which I never receive anyway, and any other emergency that may come up.
As a result of this, i've lived on nothing but ramen noodles for three weeks. I can't afford anything else, other things take priority.
There have been a hell of a lot of calculations done by various sources, and all agree that the current JSA rate isn't even HALF of what the average single unemployed 21 year old needs to survive on. This is independancy? No wonder adults are living at home with their mom's into their mid 30s, it's impossible to do practically.
As it is, I have no option but to do this, because I have no where I can go. However, I strongly advise anyone who wants out but has no job and no income to think twice about what the fuck they're doing, because it's nowhere near to easy
Enjoy your day.
Friday 25 September 2009
Tuesday 22 September 2009
The coping methods
Ahhhh, copig methods. Yay coping mechanisms, we love them, they're our best relief when we really need something subconcious to help.
However, in a long distance relationship, the coping mechanisms can become really damn strained, I know I spent the last week crying every time I spoke to Ky because I couldn't hug him. That was the main thing on my mind, I couldn't hug him.
So maybe some coping mechanisms are best conciously performed, easier to keep self control.
Deeeeeeeep Breath. ok, this one seems obvious, but the amount of times I get angry and explode before I even think of it is unbelievable. Stop whatever you're doing that's funneling your anger, take a deep breath, hold it for a slow count of ten, let it out. the general consensus is breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. This breathing technique seems to be scorned for a lot of people, don't be so sure, it's the same technique used for most forms of achieving deep meditative states, so there's gotta be something to it.
Open Up. Yup, simple and easy. Instead of bottling it, thinking that your SO has so much going on that your problems seem tiny in comparison, open up, say "this is how i feel." The heart of relationship is "us" you're your own person, but you two are a unit now as well, the good and the bad are meant to be shared, if you doubt this read over the weddings vows again...."for better, for worse"
Pillow punching. I love this one. It makes me happy as a camper. Grab a pillow and lay it flat against something. not pummel the shit out of it, channel every ounce of bad emotion into it. Don't be surprised if you start cryin, it happens. But eventually, you'll get to a stage where you feel drained and just sit there. You'd be surprised how much better one can feel after beating the hell out of an inanimate object.
Cry. Just cry it out. Bawl, scream, pull your hair, stamp your feet, jump up and down like a six year old wanting candy. The inner child in all of us needs to be let out of the box sometimes, and not always for silly time. A good ol fashioned tantrum makes the world seem right again, and if not, you can always hold your breath until you pass out
However, in a long distance relationship, the coping mechanisms can become really damn strained, I know I spent the last week crying every time I spoke to Ky because I couldn't hug him. That was the main thing on my mind, I couldn't hug him.
So maybe some coping mechanisms are best conciously performed, easier to keep self control.
Deeeeeeeep Breath. ok, this one seems obvious, but the amount of times I get angry and explode before I even think of it is unbelievable. Stop whatever you're doing that's funneling your anger, take a deep breath, hold it for a slow count of ten, let it out. the general consensus is breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. This breathing technique seems to be scorned for a lot of people, don't be so sure, it's the same technique used for most forms of achieving deep meditative states, so there's gotta be something to it.
Open Up. Yup, simple and easy. Instead of bottling it, thinking that your SO has so much going on that your problems seem tiny in comparison, open up, say "this is how i feel." The heart of relationship is "us" you're your own person, but you two are a unit now as well, the good and the bad are meant to be shared, if you doubt this read over the weddings vows again...."for better, for worse"
Pillow punching. I love this one. It makes me happy as a camper. Grab a pillow and lay it flat against something. not pummel the shit out of it, channel every ounce of bad emotion into it. Don't be surprised if you start cryin, it happens. But eventually, you'll get to a stage where you feel drained and just sit there. You'd be surprised how much better one can feel after beating the hell out of an inanimate object.
Cry. Just cry it out. Bawl, scream, pull your hair, stamp your feet, jump up and down like a six year old wanting candy. The inner child in all of us needs to be let out of the box sometimes, and not always for silly time. A good ol fashioned tantrum makes the world seem right again, and if not, you can always hold your breath until you pass out
It's been a while
Again, and this time I don't really have much of an excuse apart from things have been rough for me in general. Nothing I can pinpoint, I just feel crappy a lot of the time, I miss Ky so so so SO much, and things just generally suck ass.
However, the world waits on no person, so I've neglected a lot of stuff I should get back on top of, like the dishes >< damn I hate dishes.
However, the world waits on no person, so I've neglected a lot of stuff I should get back on top of, like the dishes >< damn I hate dishes.
Wednesday 16 September 2009
Time to Rebuild.
I finally did it. After years of constant harrassment, bickering, being beaten down time and again, slandered, and many other nasty things, I finally emailed mmy mom and said don't contact me again.
Extreme, maybe. Lets put it a little simpler. My mom told me to my face she wishes she'd never had me, and that I was a mistake. She outright blames me for her failed marriage. This is the marriage SHE couldn't stand to be in any longer, nd practically destroyed my life bitching and whining about, and then she leaves, my step dad gets a new girlfriend, suddenly she wants him back. If-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can syndrome much?
She gave you 15 year old sister anorexia. Before you can debate this fact, let me give you the story. My sister is short for her age, shorter than most 12 year olds, and she's always been average weight, even though she wears it a little thicker due to her height. My mom put her on a diet, so my already insecure sister assumed she was not only short but fat, and starved herself right under my mom's nose until she had bleeding ulcers and cysts throughout her body and was admitted to hospital.
This same mother calls me a compulsive liar, and LIED herself to me about my sister's condition, deciding it wiser instead to tell me she has appendicitis. Refuses to keep me updated on my sister even when I text her, and when I call. And then tells me I never tried to keep updated on how she was.
The same mother that pretty much destroyed my life, and ignored every chance of helping me she could. Instead of offering to get me help when she discovered I was a severe self harmer, she wrapped her hands around my throat. She'll blame me for anything and everything possible.
My mom is the reason I have social interaction problems, because she moved us around every two years so she could switch to a different job. I never had any friends because I wasn't around long enough to make them. I was bullied because I was a bookworm, because I had no friends, and when I tried to go to my mom about these things, she made it into a competition, my life was harder than yours kinda competition.
She's the reason I ended up out on the streets for two years, she's the reason I wake up every day wondering why I'm still breathing when I can't do anything right. She's the reason I believe I'm horrifically fat and hideouly ugly, even though not a single person I meet agrees with this at all. She's the reason I battled bulimia for three years, because she made me believe such hateful things about myself. She's the reason why I hate mmyself and can't change my view of the world.
I'm a twisted person for growing up in that household. Hopefully there is now light at the end of this tunnel. I can finally focus on the most important things in my life. me and Kyle and his family. I love my grandma, she's been my pillar of strength no matter what. And things will start to get better now, I can start climbing that ladder up from the bottom of the well.
Enjoy your day.
Extreme, maybe. Lets put it a little simpler. My mom told me to my face she wishes she'd never had me, and that I was a mistake. She outright blames me for her failed marriage. This is the marriage SHE couldn't stand to be in any longer, nd practically destroyed my life bitching and whining about, and then she leaves, my step dad gets a new girlfriend, suddenly she wants him back. If-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can syndrome much?
She gave you 15 year old sister anorexia. Before you can debate this fact, let me give you the story. My sister is short for her age, shorter than most 12 year olds, and she's always been average weight, even though she wears it a little thicker due to her height. My mom put her on a diet, so my already insecure sister assumed she was not only short but fat, and starved herself right under my mom's nose until she had bleeding ulcers and cysts throughout her body and was admitted to hospital.
This same mother calls me a compulsive liar, and LIED herself to me about my sister's condition, deciding it wiser instead to tell me she has appendicitis. Refuses to keep me updated on my sister even when I text her, and when I call. And then tells me I never tried to keep updated on how she was.
The same mother that pretty much destroyed my life, and ignored every chance of helping me she could. Instead of offering to get me help when she discovered I was a severe self harmer, she wrapped her hands around my throat. She'll blame me for anything and everything possible.
My mom is the reason I have social interaction problems, because she moved us around every two years so she could switch to a different job. I never had any friends because I wasn't around long enough to make them. I was bullied because I was a bookworm, because I had no friends, and when I tried to go to my mom about these things, she made it into a competition, my life was harder than yours kinda competition.
She's the reason I ended up out on the streets for two years, she's the reason I wake up every day wondering why I'm still breathing when I can't do anything right. She's the reason I believe I'm horrifically fat and hideouly ugly, even though not a single person I meet agrees with this at all. She's the reason I battled bulimia for three years, because she made me believe such hateful things about myself. She's the reason why I hate mmyself and can't change my view of the world.
I'm a twisted person for growing up in that household. Hopefully there is now light at the end of this tunnel. I can finally focus on the most important things in my life. me and Kyle and his family. I love my grandma, she's been my pillar of strength no matter what. And things will start to get better now, I can start climbing that ladder up from the bottom of the well.
Enjoy your day.
Tuesday 8 September 2009
ARGHARGHARGHARGHARGH!!!
I think the title really says it all. Nothing whatsoever to do with my relationship, for once. if you cast your eyes right, you'll see a little bar that says under it "I haven't smoked in 2 days" TWO WHOLE DAYS.
Now most people would be proud of this achievement, at their willpower, impressed, etcetc. give. me. a. fuckin. smoke. Seriously. I'm going cold turkey, because I can't afford to smoke, not because I WANT to quit, I don't want to quit, I love smoking, it makes me a calm happy person on a daily basis.
Right now I'm like a hormonal bitch on heat with stomach cramps and no chocolate. I could quite happily sit for an hour popping bubble wrap and feel no joy. No. Joy. At all.
My advice, don't fuckin go cold turkey, it'll destroy 1) your sanity and 2) your anger management.
ARGHHHHHBFLEUJFBLSDHBGVILUSGDBVLBSDILVYGBSILDBV SZDIUvb
Get out of my blog.
Now most people would be proud of this achievement, at their willpower, impressed, etcetc. give. me. a. fuckin. smoke. Seriously. I'm going cold turkey, because I can't afford to smoke, not because I WANT to quit, I don't want to quit, I love smoking, it makes me a calm happy person on a daily basis.
Right now I'm like a hormonal bitch on heat with stomach cramps and no chocolate. I could quite happily sit for an hour popping bubble wrap and feel no joy. No. Joy. At all.
My advice, don't fuckin go cold turkey, it'll destroy 1) your sanity and 2) your anger management.
ARGHHHHHBFLEUJFBLSDHBGVILUSGDBVLBSDILVYGBSILDBV SZDIUvb
Get out of my blog.
Monday 7 September 2009
Obstacles
I was browsing the internet earlier after i woke up and found this little quote which gave me the strength to get out of bed and try and go about my day. It said "Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for."
This made me think very long and very hard about what it is that I want, and whether it's worth it in the long run. My mind, heart and soul will not let me deny that Kyle is the man I've been waiting for my entire life, and that no one else will do. That can possibly seem obsessive. But I fought tooth and nail for my fiance already, I fully intend to keep him for as long as I live. I'll be the first to admit I was almost ready to give up, to say baby, I can't make you hang on anymore, I can't do it to me or to you.
Something today has given me some sheer determination to see all of this through. I would have nothing....nothing, if it was not for the amazing man in my life. He's everything to me. I can't give that up, no matter how hard this road is. I will not give that up.
Today, my speakers play our song, over and over again. It's by Mary J. Blige, and it's called Stay Down. No song relates our lives both apart and together so well, I suggest anyone having doubts about their long distance relationship go hit youtube now, and listen to that song. Nothing will keep me from the love of my life, my soulmate. I dare the world to try it, throw everything you have our way. Because we'll make it through, just like we always do.
Enjoy your day, live life to the fullest, revel in the here and now, don't worry about the future until the future is the present.
Sunday 6 September 2009
Deep Breaths
Yup, double postage, because I can, and I have nothing else to do apart from watch my cat climb on things she shouldn't be climbing on.
After a mad hour of housework that's left me aching to my very core and thoroughly exhausted, I feel a little less stressed, but at the same time a lot clearer minded. I've already accepted that everything I'm fearing will come to pass, and that I have to be strong, and tackle it head on with every fibre of my being, otherwise the relationship that forms the very core of my life, that I work at every single day to be as perfect as it possibly can be, will fail, and I will fail along with it. Put very simply, sounding melodramatic and all, but deadly serious, I won't survive this relationship's end, this is my life, and my soul, Kyle is my life and soul.
So I'm going to be looking for any and every job I can possibly find, I don't care what it is as long as it pays, I'll work three jobs if I have to/can find that kind of work. I have to be able to take care of my man at this time of trial in our lives. Everything I've been through in life so far has just been a build up to this, testing my mettle so to speak. I don't believe in God, but I believe stuff happens for reasons we can't comprehend at the time. And I know, without a doubt, that Kyle is the reason for my whole existence, and that I will be nothing without him, and it's down to me to make sure I can keep as strong for him as possible, while he does the same for me. And if I have to be strong enough for the both of us, so be it, I'll understand.
Enjoy your day
After a mad hour of housework that's left me aching to my very core and thoroughly exhausted, I feel a little less stressed, but at the same time a lot clearer minded. I've already accepted that everything I'm fearing will come to pass, and that I have to be strong, and tackle it head on with every fibre of my being, otherwise the relationship that forms the very core of my life, that I work at every single day to be as perfect as it possibly can be, will fail, and I will fail along with it. Put very simply, sounding melodramatic and all, but deadly serious, I won't survive this relationship's end, this is my life, and my soul, Kyle is my life and soul.
So I'm going to be looking for any and every job I can possibly find, I don't care what it is as long as it pays, I'll work three jobs if I have to/can find that kind of work. I have to be able to take care of my man at this time of trial in our lives. Everything I've been through in life so far has just been a build up to this, testing my mettle so to speak. I don't believe in God, but I believe stuff happens for reasons we can't comprehend at the time. And I know, without a doubt, that Kyle is the reason for my whole existence, and that I will be nothing without him, and it's down to me to make sure I can keep as strong for him as possible, while he does the same for me. And if I have to be strong enough for the both of us, so be it, I'll understand.
Enjoy your day
From bad to worse.
Ok, it's been a couple days. I have reasons for that, unfortunately I can't really talk about what's going on. The main thing is, bad things are happening. BAD THINGS. Life altering, earth shattering bad things. And as a result, Ky and his family are looking like they're about to go into HUGE amounts of debt. Huge amounts of debt being. No internet. For the unforseeable future. Losing the house and having to move in with their grandparents. Having nothing, being stuck in thousands upon thousands of dollars of unavoidable debt, yes, this debt is completely unavoidable, for reasons I'm not at liberty to disclose.
I'm half crazy-sick with worry. And not because I won't hear my baby's voice for a long long time if all this comes to pass. I'm crazy-sick with worry for him, and the family, that they have to go through this terrible traumatic time. That I can't BE there for them, and because I can't find a job I can hardly help in any productive way apart from moral support.
Hello renewed resolve. I've sent out seven more resumes in the last 2 hours, and I'm praying to the heavens I hear something back soon, because this is all driving me insane. November is a now broken dream, I won't see my fiance until I can get the money to go out there, him coming here is out of the question and I made it that way. he needs every cent he can scratch together for himself and his family. That's the way it has to be.
For anyone shaking their head right now and thinking this is so terribly selfless, etc etc which I've heard a couple of times already since I started talking about all of this to people. What you all call selfless, I call the right thing. This is the right thing that I'm doing, whether you think it selfless or not, I know I'm doing everything I can to help my loved ones in their time of need, and that's the way it should be, ESPECIALLY in an LDR. Because your options are so limited. Ok, so I can't send him packages or money or anything, but I can send him my support, my love, and the knowledge that i will always....always be here when he needs me, no matter what.
Like I said before, marvel at the things you can do people, you never know when they will be gone.
Enjoy your day.
I'm half crazy-sick with worry. And not because I won't hear my baby's voice for a long long time if all this comes to pass. I'm crazy-sick with worry for him, and the family, that they have to go through this terrible traumatic time. That I can't BE there for them, and because I can't find a job I can hardly help in any productive way apart from moral support.
Hello renewed resolve. I've sent out seven more resumes in the last 2 hours, and I'm praying to the heavens I hear something back soon, because this is all driving me insane. November is a now broken dream, I won't see my fiance until I can get the money to go out there, him coming here is out of the question and I made it that way. he needs every cent he can scratch together for himself and his family. That's the way it has to be.
For anyone shaking their head right now and thinking this is so terribly selfless, etc etc which I've heard a couple of times already since I started talking about all of this to people. What you all call selfless, I call the right thing. This is the right thing that I'm doing, whether you think it selfless or not, I know I'm doing everything I can to help my loved ones in their time of need, and that's the way it should be, ESPECIALLY in an LDR. Because your options are so limited. Ok, so I can't send him packages or money or anything, but I can send him my support, my love, and the knowledge that i will always....always be here when he needs me, no matter what.
Like I said before, marvel at the things you can do people, you never know when they will be gone.
Enjoy your day.
Thursday 3 September 2009
Loooong day
So last night Ky's internet got cut off because some stuff happened and they forgot to pay the bill. It's all cool, I'm sure they'll have it back up in no time if not already by the time Ky gets home from work, but I have to prepare myself for a period of time of not hearing from him. I'm not used to this, the only thing we've always had is an amazing amount of communication. So this is gonna be real rough on me, and him too I'm certain.
The problem is some bad things just happened. REALLY bad things, like, life changing. And I need to be there for him, and I'm not sure if he'll know how there I am for him if he can't talk to me. I really do just want to get on a plane and get to him and the family as fast as possible, and be there when I'm needed. But I can't, I have to sit here and be there for him as much as I possibly can and pray that its enough.
This is the hardest part of any LDR. Being so far away that you can't just rush over to wrap your arms around your loved one when they need it, or take care of them when they're sick. Sometimes really bad things happen, real tests of a long distance relationship bond. Only the strongest of bonds will ever make it through those times, because it's so emotionally and mentally draining on both yourselves and everyone around you.
On top of all of this, I text my mom, because I wasnt sure what the hell was going on with our relationship. And she's never replied. So I'm down a whole bunch of family again. *shrugs* to be honest? I could care less. I really could. It's always been nothing but trouble with my mom, it really has, and I would be glad to be done with it. I just want to get on with my life, not be held back.
I think that's all I have in me for now, I gotta go keep my mind occupied for a while
Guys, as a parting note, look around you. Feel the breeze on your face, the sun on your skin. Marvel at the wondrous things you can do, like speak, walk, run, smile, laugh, love. Stop and look at the beauty of nature instead of passing it by without a second glance. Take joy in everything around you, because you never know when you're going to lose it.
Enjoy your day, seriously.
The problem is some bad things just happened. REALLY bad things, like, life changing. And I need to be there for him, and I'm not sure if he'll know how there I am for him if he can't talk to me. I really do just want to get on a plane and get to him and the family as fast as possible, and be there when I'm needed. But I can't, I have to sit here and be there for him as much as I possibly can and pray that its enough.
This is the hardest part of any LDR. Being so far away that you can't just rush over to wrap your arms around your loved one when they need it, or take care of them when they're sick. Sometimes really bad things happen, real tests of a long distance relationship bond. Only the strongest of bonds will ever make it through those times, because it's so emotionally and mentally draining on both yourselves and everyone around you.
On top of all of this, I text my mom, because I wasnt sure what the hell was going on with our relationship. And she's never replied. So I'm down a whole bunch of family again. *shrugs* to be honest? I could care less. I really could. It's always been nothing but trouble with my mom, it really has, and I would be glad to be done with it. I just want to get on with my life, not be held back.
I think that's all I have in me for now, I gotta go keep my mind occupied for a while
Guys, as a parting note, look around you. Feel the breeze on your face, the sun on your skin. Marvel at the wondrous things you can do, like speak, walk, run, smile, laugh, love. Stop and look at the beauty of nature instead of passing it by without a second glance. Take joy in everything around you, because you never know when you're going to lose it.
Enjoy your day, seriously.
Wednesday 2 September 2009
The shortest post in the whole blog
I want to punch baby bunnies in the head. Repeatedly.
That is all
Enjoy your day.
That is all
Enjoy your day.
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