Today, bleh, crappy.
Yesterday, bleh, crappy.
Tomorrow? Bleh, probably crappy.
I've not been posting, because I have nothing to say, at all. Things go from bad to worse sometimes, and recently, my end has been moved further and further out of sight.
Ky was supposed to come out in November, which was awesome. Then bad things happened which I still can't discuss. And it got moved to Jan/Feb. Now it's no idea. Whenever. Just stretch that tunnel of waiting out as far as the eye can see. If Ky decides not to come here, it could be years before I see him again, because I don't have enough money to save any on (see below post).
So right now. Bleh, crappy. I want to punch things and scream and cry about how unfair it is. But I understand why he has to stay out there, and everything that's going on. The reason he doesn't want to come in January is because whenever he goes away he coms home and family crises land all on his head and he gets swamped down. And I don't want him to feel like that, or that I'm pressuring him to come out here. But it makes me so mad sometimes. I would be there in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't, and it sucks. And now the little demons in the back of my head make me feel like he doesn't want to see me again, and that I'll never see him again, which is stupid, and extreme, but in some ways I guess not unfounded.
Shit just keeps getting pushed back and pushed back, it's been 6 months since I last hugged him, and I'm going crazy missing him, and right now I don't know when I'm going to see him again. It could be years before I can hold him in my arms once more
Where's my vodka bottle.
Enjoy your night.
Sunday 4 October 2009
Friday 25 September 2009
UK welfare benefits - surviving on nothing.
Seriously. Surviving on nothing. That is what the unemployed of the UK do now.
Let me clarify just a little
UK Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) Is 51GBP per week. That's just over 200GBP a month. At current conversion rates, that is roughly $326US. A month. A MONTH!
The only bills we have removed are rent and council taxes, any other taxes, electric, gas, water rates, etc etc, are all to be paid out of that amount per month. So lets work this out shall we?
I get 204 per month (no money symbol = GBP, american laptop)
My electricity and gas costs 45 per month, so deduct that = 159
My phone and internet, which are essential for my ldr costs 30 a month = 129
My water rates cost 54 a month = 75
My cellphone contract doesn't end yet, so that costs me 36 p/m = 39
Oh, I had a loan when I moved in, so they deduct 20 p/m for that = 19
Nineteen Pounds. That amount there, good folks, is all I have with which to keep my cat alive, buy essential toiletries (for any confusion, I'm female, shampoo and tampons are considered essential), feed myself, keep my clothes clean, travel to and from job interviews which I never receive anyway, and any other emergency that may come up.
As a result of this, i've lived on nothing but ramen noodles for three weeks. I can't afford anything else, other things take priority.
There have been a hell of a lot of calculations done by various sources, and all agree that the current JSA rate isn't even HALF of what the average single unemployed 21 year old needs to survive on. This is independancy? No wonder adults are living at home with their mom's into their mid 30s, it's impossible to do practically.
As it is, I have no option but to do this, because I have no where I can go. However, I strongly advise anyone who wants out but has no job and no income to think twice about what the fuck they're doing, because it's nowhere near to easy
Enjoy your day.
Let me clarify just a little
UK Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) Is 51GBP per week. That's just over 200GBP a month. At current conversion rates, that is roughly $326US. A month. A MONTH!
The only bills we have removed are rent and council taxes, any other taxes, electric, gas, water rates, etc etc, are all to be paid out of that amount per month. So lets work this out shall we?
I get 204 per month (no money symbol = GBP, american laptop)
My electricity and gas costs 45 per month, so deduct that = 159
My phone and internet, which are essential for my ldr costs 30 a month = 129
My water rates cost 54 a month = 75
My cellphone contract doesn't end yet, so that costs me 36 p/m = 39
Oh, I had a loan when I moved in, so they deduct 20 p/m for that = 19
Nineteen Pounds. That amount there, good folks, is all I have with which to keep my cat alive, buy essential toiletries (for any confusion, I'm female, shampoo and tampons are considered essential), feed myself, keep my clothes clean, travel to and from job interviews which I never receive anyway, and any other emergency that may come up.
As a result of this, i've lived on nothing but ramen noodles for three weeks. I can't afford anything else, other things take priority.
There have been a hell of a lot of calculations done by various sources, and all agree that the current JSA rate isn't even HALF of what the average single unemployed 21 year old needs to survive on. This is independancy? No wonder adults are living at home with their mom's into their mid 30s, it's impossible to do practically.
As it is, I have no option but to do this, because I have no where I can go. However, I strongly advise anyone who wants out but has no job and no income to think twice about what the fuck they're doing, because it's nowhere near to easy
Enjoy your day.
Tuesday 22 September 2009
The coping methods
Ahhhh, copig methods. Yay coping mechanisms, we love them, they're our best relief when we really need something subconcious to help.
However, in a long distance relationship, the coping mechanisms can become really damn strained, I know I spent the last week crying every time I spoke to Ky because I couldn't hug him. That was the main thing on my mind, I couldn't hug him.
So maybe some coping mechanisms are best conciously performed, easier to keep self control.
Deeeeeeeep Breath. ok, this one seems obvious, but the amount of times I get angry and explode before I even think of it is unbelievable. Stop whatever you're doing that's funneling your anger, take a deep breath, hold it for a slow count of ten, let it out. the general consensus is breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. This breathing technique seems to be scorned for a lot of people, don't be so sure, it's the same technique used for most forms of achieving deep meditative states, so there's gotta be something to it.
Open Up. Yup, simple and easy. Instead of bottling it, thinking that your SO has so much going on that your problems seem tiny in comparison, open up, say "this is how i feel." The heart of relationship is "us" you're your own person, but you two are a unit now as well, the good and the bad are meant to be shared, if you doubt this read over the weddings vows again...."for better, for worse"
Pillow punching. I love this one. It makes me happy as a camper. Grab a pillow and lay it flat against something. not pummel the shit out of it, channel every ounce of bad emotion into it. Don't be surprised if you start cryin, it happens. But eventually, you'll get to a stage where you feel drained and just sit there. You'd be surprised how much better one can feel after beating the hell out of an inanimate object.
Cry. Just cry it out. Bawl, scream, pull your hair, stamp your feet, jump up and down like a six year old wanting candy. The inner child in all of us needs to be let out of the box sometimes, and not always for silly time. A good ol fashioned tantrum makes the world seem right again, and if not, you can always hold your breath until you pass out
However, in a long distance relationship, the coping mechanisms can become really damn strained, I know I spent the last week crying every time I spoke to Ky because I couldn't hug him. That was the main thing on my mind, I couldn't hug him.
So maybe some coping mechanisms are best conciously performed, easier to keep self control.
Deeeeeeeep Breath. ok, this one seems obvious, but the amount of times I get angry and explode before I even think of it is unbelievable. Stop whatever you're doing that's funneling your anger, take a deep breath, hold it for a slow count of ten, let it out. the general consensus is breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. This breathing technique seems to be scorned for a lot of people, don't be so sure, it's the same technique used for most forms of achieving deep meditative states, so there's gotta be something to it.
Open Up. Yup, simple and easy. Instead of bottling it, thinking that your SO has so much going on that your problems seem tiny in comparison, open up, say "this is how i feel." The heart of relationship is "us" you're your own person, but you two are a unit now as well, the good and the bad are meant to be shared, if you doubt this read over the weddings vows again...."for better, for worse"
Pillow punching. I love this one. It makes me happy as a camper. Grab a pillow and lay it flat against something. not pummel the shit out of it, channel every ounce of bad emotion into it. Don't be surprised if you start cryin, it happens. But eventually, you'll get to a stage where you feel drained and just sit there. You'd be surprised how much better one can feel after beating the hell out of an inanimate object.
Cry. Just cry it out. Bawl, scream, pull your hair, stamp your feet, jump up and down like a six year old wanting candy. The inner child in all of us needs to be let out of the box sometimes, and not always for silly time. A good ol fashioned tantrum makes the world seem right again, and if not, you can always hold your breath until you pass out
It's been a while
Again, and this time I don't really have much of an excuse apart from things have been rough for me in general. Nothing I can pinpoint, I just feel crappy a lot of the time, I miss Ky so so so SO much, and things just generally suck ass.
However, the world waits on no person, so I've neglected a lot of stuff I should get back on top of, like the dishes >< damn I hate dishes.
However, the world waits on no person, so I've neglected a lot of stuff I should get back on top of, like the dishes >< damn I hate dishes.
Wednesday 16 September 2009
Time to Rebuild.
I finally did it. After years of constant harrassment, bickering, being beaten down time and again, slandered, and many other nasty things, I finally emailed mmy mom and said don't contact me again.
Extreme, maybe. Lets put it a little simpler. My mom told me to my face she wishes she'd never had me, and that I was a mistake. She outright blames me for her failed marriage. This is the marriage SHE couldn't stand to be in any longer, nd practically destroyed my life bitching and whining about, and then she leaves, my step dad gets a new girlfriend, suddenly she wants him back. If-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can syndrome much?
She gave you 15 year old sister anorexia. Before you can debate this fact, let me give you the story. My sister is short for her age, shorter than most 12 year olds, and she's always been average weight, even though she wears it a little thicker due to her height. My mom put her on a diet, so my already insecure sister assumed she was not only short but fat, and starved herself right under my mom's nose until she had bleeding ulcers and cysts throughout her body and was admitted to hospital.
This same mother calls me a compulsive liar, and LIED herself to me about my sister's condition, deciding it wiser instead to tell me she has appendicitis. Refuses to keep me updated on my sister even when I text her, and when I call. And then tells me I never tried to keep updated on how she was.
The same mother that pretty much destroyed my life, and ignored every chance of helping me she could. Instead of offering to get me help when she discovered I was a severe self harmer, she wrapped her hands around my throat. She'll blame me for anything and everything possible.
My mom is the reason I have social interaction problems, because she moved us around every two years so she could switch to a different job. I never had any friends because I wasn't around long enough to make them. I was bullied because I was a bookworm, because I had no friends, and when I tried to go to my mom about these things, she made it into a competition, my life was harder than yours kinda competition.
She's the reason I ended up out on the streets for two years, she's the reason I wake up every day wondering why I'm still breathing when I can't do anything right. She's the reason I believe I'm horrifically fat and hideouly ugly, even though not a single person I meet agrees with this at all. She's the reason I battled bulimia for three years, because she made me believe such hateful things about myself. She's the reason why I hate mmyself and can't change my view of the world.
I'm a twisted person for growing up in that household. Hopefully there is now light at the end of this tunnel. I can finally focus on the most important things in my life. me and Kyle and his family. I love my grandma, she's been my pillar of strength no matter what. And things will start to get better now, I can start climbing that ladder up from the bottom of the well.
Enjoy your day.
Extreme, maybe. Lets put it a little simpler. My mom told me to my face she wishes she'd never had me, and that I was a mistake. She outright blames me for her failed marriage. This is the marriage SHE couldn't stand to be in any longer, nd practically destroyed my life bitching and whining about, and then she leaves, my step dad gets a new girlfriend, suddenly she wants him back. If-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can syndrome much?
She gave you 15 year old sister anorexia. Before you can debate this fact, let me give you the story. My sister is short for her age, shorter than most 12 year olds, and she's always been average weight, even though she wears it a little thicker due to her height. My mom put her on a diet, so my already insecure sister assumed she was not only short but fat, and starved herself right under my mom's nose until she had bleeding ulcers and cysts throughout her body and was admitted to hospital.
This same mother calls me a compulsive liar, and LIED herself to me about my sister's condition, deciding it wiser instead to tell me she has appendicitis. Refuses to keep me updated on my sister even when I text her, and when I call. And then tells me I never tried to keep updated on how she was.
The same mother that pretty much destroyed my life, and ignored every chance of helping me she could. Instead of offering to get me help when she discovered I was a severe self harmer, she wrapped her hands around my throat. She'll blame me for anything and everything possible.
My mom is the reason I have social interaction problems, because she moved us around every two years so she could switch to a different job. I never had any friends because I wasn't around long enough to make them. I was bullied because I was a bookworm, because I had no friends, and when I tried to go to my mom about these things, she made it into a competition, my life was harder than yours kinda competition.
She's the reason I ended up out on the streets for two years, she's the reason I wake up every day wondering why I'm still breathing when I can't do anything right. She's the reason I believe I'm horrifically fat and hideouly ugly, even though not a single person I meet agrees with this at all. She's the reason I battled bulimia for three years, because she made me believe such hateful things about myself. She's the reason why I hate mmyself and can't change my view of the world.
I'm a twisted person for growing up in that household. Hopefully there is now light at the end of this tunnel. I can finally focus on the most important things in my life. me and Kyle and his family. I love my grandma, she's been my pillar of strength no matter what. And things will start to get better now, I can start climbing that ladder up from the bottom of the well.
Enjoy your day.
Tuesday 8 September 2009
ARGHARGHARGHARGHARGH!!!
I think the title really says it all. Nothing whatsoever to do with my relationship, for once. if you cast your eyes right, you'll see a little bar that says under it "I haven't smoked in 2 days" TWO WHOLE DAYS.
Now most people would be proud of this achievement, at their willpower, impressed, etcetc. give. me. a. fuckin. smoke. Seriously. I'm going cold turkey, because I can't afford to smoke, not because I WANT to quit, I don't want to quit, I love smoking, it makes me a calm happy person on a daily basis.
Right now I'm like a hormonal bitch on heat with stomach cramps and no chocolate. I could quite happily sit for an hour popping bubble wrap and feel no joy. No. Joy. At all.
My advice, don't fuckin go cold turkey, it'll destroy 1) your sanity and 2) your anger management.
ARGHHHHHBFLEUJFBLSDHBGVILUSGDBVLBSDILVYGBSILDBV SZDIUvb
Get out of my blog.
Now most people would be proud of this achievement, at their willpower, impressed, etcetc. give. me. a. fuckin. smoke. Seriously. I'm going cold turkey, because I can't afford to smoke, not because I WANT to quit, I don't want to quit, I love smoking, it makes me a calm happy person on a daily basis.
Right now I'm like a hormonal bitch on heat with stomach cramps and no chocolate. I could quite happily sit for an hour popping bubble wrap and feel no joy. No. Joy. At all.
My advice, don't fuckin go cold turkey, it'll destroy 1) your sanity and 2) your anger management.
ARGHHHHHBFLEUJFBLSDHBGVILUSGDBVLBSDILVYGBSILDBV SZDIUvb
Get out of my blog.
Monday 7 September 2009
Obstacles
I was browsing the internet earlier after i woke up and found this little quote which gave me the strength to get out of bed and try and go about my day. It said "Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for."
This made me think very long and very hard about what it is that I want, and whether it's worth it in the long run. My mind, heart and soul will not let me deny that Kyle is the man I've been waiting for my entire life, and that no one else will do. That can possibly seem obsessive. But I fought tooth and nail for my fiance already, I fully intend to keep him for as long as I live. I'll be the first to admit I was almost ready to give up, to say baby, I can't make you hang on anymore, I can't do it to me or to you.
Something today has given me some sheer determination to see all of this through. I would have nothing....nothing, if it was not for the amazing man in my life. He's everything to me. I can't give that up, no matter how hard this road is. I will not give that up.
Today, my speakers play our song, over and over again. It's by Mary J. Blige, and it's called Stay Down. No song relates our lives both apart and together so well, I suggest anyone having doubts about their long distance relationship go hit youtube now, and listen to that song. Nothing will keep me from the love of my life, my soulmate. I dare the world to try it, throw everything you have our way. Because we'll make it through, just like we always do.
Enjoy your day, live life to the fullest, revel in the here and now, don't worry about the future until the future is the present.
Sunday 6 September 2009
Deep Breaths
Yup, double postage, because I can, and I have nothing else to do apart from watch my cat climb on things she shouldn't be climbing on.
After a mad hour of housework that's left me aching to my very core and thoroughly exhausted, I feel a little less stressed, but at the same time a lot clearer minded. I've already accepted that everything I'm fearing will come to pass, and that I have to be strong, and tackle it head on with every fibre of my being, otherwise the relationship that forms the very core of my life, that I work at every single day to be as perfect as it possibly can be, will fail, and I will fail along with it. Put very simply, sounding melodramatic and all, but deadly serious, I won't survive this relationship's end, this is my life, and my soul, Kyle is my life and soul.
So I'm going to be looking for any and every job I can possibly find, I don't care what it is as long as it pays, I'll work three jobs if I have to/can find that kind of work. I have to be able to take care of my man at this time of trial in our lives. Everything I've been through in life so far has just been a build up to this, testing my mettle so to speak. I don't believe in God, but I believe stuff happens for reasons we can't comprehend at the time. And I know, without a doubt, that Kyle is the reason for my whole existence, and that I will be nothing without him, and it's down to me to make sure I can keep as strong for him as possible, while he does the same for me. And if I have to be strong enough for the both of us, so be it, I'll understand.
Enjoy your day
After a mad hour of housework that's left me aching to my very core and thoroughly exhausted, I feel a little less stressed, but at the same time a lot clearer minded. I've already accepted that everything I'm fearing will come to pass, and that I have to be strong, and tackle it head on with every fibre of my being, otherwise the relationship that forms the very core of my life, that I work at every single day to be as perfect as it possibly can be, will fail, and I will fail along with it. Put very simply, sounding melodramatic and all, but deadly serious, I won't survive this relationship's end, this is my life, and my soul, Kyle is my life and soul.
So I'm going to be looking for any and every job I can possibly find, I don't care what it is as long as it pays, I'll work three jobs if I have to/can find that kind of work. I have to be able to take care of my man at this time of trial in our lives. Everything I've been through in life so far has just been a build up to this, testing my mettle so to speak. I don't believe in God, but I believe stuff happens for reasons we can't comprehend at the time. And I know, without a doubt, that Kyle is the reason for my whole existence, and that I will be nothing without him, and it's down to me to make sure I can keep as strong for him as possible, while he does the same for me. And if I have to be strong enough for the both of us, so be it, I'll understand.
Enjoy your day
From bad to worse.
Ok, it's been a couple days. I have reasons for that, unfortunately I can't really talk about what's going on. The main thing is, bad things are happening. BAD THINGS. Life altering, earth shattering bad things. And as a result, Ky and his family are looking like they're about to go into HUGE amounts of debt. Huge amounts of debt being. No internet. For the unforseeable future. Losing the house and having to move in with their grandparents. Having nothing, being stuck in thousands upon thousands of dollars of unavoidable debt, yes, this debt is completely unavoidable, for reasons I'm not at liberty to disclose.
I'm half crazy-sick with worry. And not because I won't hear my baby's voice for a long long time if all this comes to pass. I'm crazy-sick with worry for him, and the family, that they have to go through this terrible traumatic time. That I can't BE there for them, and because I can't find a job I can hardly help in any productive way apart from moral support.
Hello renewed resolve. I've sent out seven more resumes in the last 2 hours, and I'm praying to the heavens I hear something back soon, because this is all driving me insane. November is a now broken dream, I won't see my fiance until I can get the money to go out there, him coming here is out of the question and I made it that way. he needs every cent he can scratch together for himself and his family. That's the way it has to be.
For anyone shaking their head right now and thinking this is so terribly selfless, etc etc which I've heard a couple of times already since I started talking about all of this to people. What you all call selfless, I call the right thing. This is the right thing that I'm doing, whether you think it selfless or not, I know I'm doing everything I can to help my loved ones in their time of need, and that's the way it should be, ESPECIALLY in an LDR. Because your options are so limited. Ok, so I can't send him packages or money or anything, but I can send him my support, my love, and the knowledge that i will always....always be here when he needs me, no matter what.
Like I said before, marvel at the things you can do people, you never know when they will be gone.
Enjoy your day.
I'm half crazy-sick with worry. And not because I won't hear my baby's voice for a long long time if all this comes to pass. I'm crazy-sick with worry for him, and the family, that they have to go through this terrible traumatic time. That I can't BE there for them, and because I can't find a job I can hardly help in any productive way apart from moral support.
Hello renewed resolve. I've sent out seven more resumes in the last 2 hours, and I'm praying to the heavens I hear something back soon, because this is all driving me insane. November is a now broken dream, I won't see my fiance until I can get the money to go out there, him coming here is out of the question and I made it that way. he needs every cent he can scratch together for himself and his family. That's the way it has to be.
For anyone shaking their head right now and thinking this is so terribly selfless, etc etc which I've heard a couple of times already since I started talking about all of this to people. What you all call selfless, I call the right thing. This is the right thing that I'm doing, whether you think it selfless or not, I know I'm doing everything I can to help my loved ones in their time of need, and that's the way it should be, ESPECIALLY in an LDR. Because your options are so limited. Ok, so I can't send him packages or money or anything, but I can send him my support, my love, and the knowledge that i will always....always be here when he needs me, no matter what.
Like I said before, marvel at the things you can do people, you never know when they will be gone.
Enjoy your day.
Thursday 3 September 2009
Loooong day
So last night Ky's internet got cut off because some stuff happened and they forgot to pay the bill. It's all cool, I'm sure they'll have it back up in no time if not already by the time Ky gets home from work, but I have to prepare myself for a period of time of not hearing from him. I'm not used to this, the only thing we've always had is an amazing amount of communication. So this is gonna be real rough on me, and him too I'm certain.
The problem is some bad things just happened. REALLY bad things, like, life changing. And I need to be there for him, and I'm not sure if he'll know how there I am for him if he can't talk to me. I really do just want to get on a plane and get to him and the family as fast as possible, and be there when I'm needed. But I can't, I have to sit here and be there for him as much as I possibly can and pray that its enough.
This is the hardest part of any LDR. Being so far away that you can't just rush over to wrap your arms around your loved one when they need it, or take care of them when they're sick. Sometimes really bad things happen, real tests of a long distance relationship bond. Only the strongest of bonds will ever make it through those times, because it's so emotionally and mentally draining on both yourselves and everyone around you.
On top of all of this, I text my mom, because I wasnt sure what the hell was going on with our relationship. And she's never replied. So I'm down a whole bunch of family again. *shrugs* to be honest? I could care less. I really could. It's always been nothing but trouble with my mom, it really has, and I would be glad to be done with it. I just want to get on with my life, not be held back.
I think that's all I have in me for now, I gotta go keep my mind occupied for a while
Guys, as a parting note, look around you. Feel the breeze on your face, the sun on your skin. Marvel at the wondrous things you can do, like speak, walk, run, smile, laugh, love. Stop and look at the beauty of nature instead of passing it by without a second glance. Take joy in everything around you, because you never know when you're going to lose it.
Enjoy your day, seriously.
The problem is some bad things just happened. REALLY bad things, like, life changing. And I need to be there for him, and I'm not sure if he'll know how there I am for him if he can't talk to me. I really do just want to get on a plane and get to him and the family as fast as possible, and be there when I'm needed. But I can't, I have to sit here and be there for him as much as I possibly can and pray that its enough.
This is the hardest part of any LDR. Being so far away that you can't just rush over to wrap your arms around your loved one when they need it, or take care of them when they're sick. Sometimes really bad things happen, real tests of a long distance relationship bond. Only the strongest of bonds will ever make it through those times, because it's so emotionally and mentally draining on both yourselves and everyone around you.
On top of all of this, I text my mom, because I wasnt sure what the hell was going on with our relationship. And she's never replied. So I'm down a whole bunch of family again. *shrugs* to be honest? I could care less. I really could. It's always been nothing but trouble with my mom, it really has, and I would be glad to be done with it. I just want to get on with my life, not be held back.
I think that's all I have in me for now, I gotta go keep my mind occupied for a while
Guys, as a parting note, look around you. Feel the breeze on your face, the sun on your skin. Marvel at the wondrous things you can do, like speak, walk, run, smile, laugh, love. Stop and look at the beauty of nature instead of passing it by without a second glance. Take joy in everything around you, because you never know when you're going to lose it.
Enjoy your day, seriously.
Wednesday 2 September 2009
The shortest post in the whole blog
I want to punch baby bunnies in the head. Repeatedly.
That is all
Enjoy your day.
That is all
Enjoy your day.
Sunday 30 August 2009
simplicity is best
Today's been a fairly good day I reckon, in all honesty. Ky came online early, and we chatted for quite a while. My webcam came yesterday so he's absolutely ecstatic that he can see his girl, and makes wild attempts to be late for work cos he doesn't wanna go. Haha, silly boy :)
He's not closing tonight either ^_^ so he'll be home early, and then tomorrow he's not working, so we get to spend the whole day together watchin movies and chillin around the house and doin all the good stuff we only get chance to do one or two days a week. It's sometimes awkward with his work times, because he's alwas working when I wanna be seeing him, but if he worked while I was asleep it would be even worse I think, we'd hardly ever see each other, compared to the amount we do.
All in all, we have a pretty big amount of contact goin on, I know LDR couples who don't get to speak to their SOs for up to a week. I'd hate that, I'd be strong enough to get through it, but I'd hate it. And so would Ky, he'd be sneakin online whenever he could just to see me.
Jumble the Infamous Cat of Nightmare has been fairly quiet for a couple days =/ uh oh, tomorrow, I'm expecting my house to be trashed, she's only chilled when she's preparing for a huge foray into being a complete and utter terror. So yeah, I'm not looking forward to a Jumble Episode haha, but hey, cleaning day on Tuesday, can't really complain much.
I don't really have much all to talk about today, I never really do on good days. Just keepin yer chin up will get you through almost anything. If you aren't moving backwards, you're moving somewhere, nothing in life is stationary.
Enjoy your day!
He's not closing tonight either ^_^ so he'll be home early, and then tomorrow he's not working, so we get to spend the whole day together watchin movies and chillin around the house and doin all the good stuff we only get chance to do one or two days a week. It's sometimes awkward with his work times, because he's alwas working when I wanna be seeing him, but if he worked while I was asleep it would be even worse I think, we'd hardly ever see each other, compared to the amount we do.
All in all, we have a pretty big amount of contact goin on, I know LDR couples who don't get to speak to their SOs for up to a week. I'd hate that, I'd be strong enough to get through it, but I'd hate it. And so would Ky, he'd be sneakin online whenever he could just to see me.
Jumble the Infamous Cat of Nightmare has been fairly quiet for a couple days =/ uh oh, tomorrow, I'm expecting my house to be trashed, she's only chilled when she's preparing for a huge foray into being a complete and utter terror. So yeah, I'm not looking forward to a Jumble Episode haha, but hey, cleaning day on Tuesday, can't really complain much.
I don't really have much all to talk about today, I never really do on good days. Just keepin yer chin up will get you through almost anything. If you aren't moving backwards, you're moving somewhere, nothing in life is stationary.
Enjoy your day!
Saturday 29 August 2009
The story
After a few days of blogging the finer details of my day (heh) I figure that as this is focused on my relationship, I should maybe tell my tale.
I met Ky playing World of Warcraft, at the time I was engaged to another guy (yes...yes...I know) and staying in Las Vegas. We were in the same guild, and he logged into vent and joined myself and some friends chatting. Now I don't quite know what happened in the first hour, but suddenly I get a whisper from my friend Dwayne saying "you know you're driving him crazy right?"
So this gets me to thinking. How long had it been since I drove someone crazy. My fiance at the time was a workaholic, no time for me, so I became addicted to the computer screen. It destroyed our relationship. And I was feeling sorely neglected, and he was a guild member I hadn't really met yet, so I shot him a whisper. We flirted a little, he'd been drinking, we were hangin out and having a good time. My partner at the time came home, so we decided to call it a night, but made plans to meet up and hang out the next day.
He didn't show the next day. I was a little hurt, more than a little upset, and all my self confidence flew straight out of the window. I was just getting ready to sign out when he logged in, apologizing profusely. He'd been in a car accident, and had to sort all that out before he could race home to see me. My heart melted and I spent another three hours making sure he was ok and just talking.
We spent every day together after that, I knew his work schedule, we would hang out before work and for a few hours after he got home. It was fantastic, we soon feel into a relationship category, while I was still engaged to another guy, although anyone who really knew us had been able to tell for a while that it was over.
When I got back to the UK in January, my engagement was broken off. I have no contact with that man anymore, I've moved on with my life and regret nothing. Ky and I had a fantastic time, although seeing each other was harder with the time difference. Then my home life got bad, and Ky panicked about the distance, and broke things off in February. My soul was shattered, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't know what to do. I thought I was crazy at the time, I couldn't bring myself to believe for a while I was mourning the loss of my true love.
We stayed in touch, never lost touch for more than a week, we still cared deeply for one another, and found ourselves unable to keep our hands to ourselves a lot of the time. I didn't date at all, didn't want to date anyone else, I was holding out in the hopes I would get my man back. In April, he decided he had to see me, to decide whether he wanted me or wanted to move on.
I flew out to Florida in early May. The flights were a nightmare, let me tell you. First flight was delayed by hours, causing me to miss my connection and barely manage to get a seat on the next flight. By the time I got there, it was 5 hours after I was supposed to be there, and somewhere along the line I'm got a digit in Ky's phone number wrong and couldn't call him. I expected him not to be there, I expected to have to get to the hotel and spend a week in misery praying he would come to the hotel. His face grinning at me across the airport is a moment I'll never forget for as long as I live. When I saw him, I thought "that's the man I'm going to love for the rest of my life, whether he wants me or not"
We had a fantastic week together, saw some friends, ate out, watched a few movies.....and the sex....*whistle* mmmm mmmm MMM. Towards the end of my stay, we had some serious chats about our relationship, most of which ended with me in tears. One conversation, Ky made to say something, then stopped. I hampered him all day for what he was going to say, he refused, he'd tell me later....always later. Eventually I gave up and forgot about it.
It rained so bad the day I was leaving. Poured. We could barely see the road. I couldn't let go of him in the airport, and he just held me while I cried like a child. Eventually I got on my plane and got back, where I let him know I was safe and everything was ok.
Time went by, we stayed as we were, friends with benefits for the most part, and our own little private jokes, like SKAHLUH! (you have to be a bones fanatic to get that) and it stayed that way til mid-end of June.
I upset him, and if you scroll down to the first post I ever made, we're bang on target with that, I wrote that the night I upset him really badly, and he stopped talking to me for a week. In that time I decided I was hurting him too badly and I should move on to save him any more pain and grief. So I got involved with a mutual friend, who'd been crazy about my accent since he met me. I'm an honest person, so when Ky and I started speaking again I told him what was going on. Oh dear. Bad move. He went insane. Totally insane. I immediately regretted it, he said some pretty hurtful things, and I retaliated, and we acted like worst enemies for a week.
About this time, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It was bad, my doctor said. I had to be tested for uterine cancer, it was that bad. There was talk of hysterectomies, allsorts. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, so I turned to the only source of support I'd ever been able to rely on....Ky.
At first he was dubious about talking to me. As I sobbed and told him what was going on. He softened. He was there for me, like he always was. And I loved him even more for being there for me no matter what happened. Eventually the medical professionals all agreed that it was nowhere near as serious as they thought, and I may even be able to have children one day.
A few days later Ky got drunk, I broke things off with the friend a few days before because I couldn't keep seeing him knowing how I felt about Ky, but Ky never knew that, he thought I was still seeing him. And he got into vent and cried. And screamed. And demanded to know what right this guy had to edge in on "his girl". A long long long talk ensued, with a lot of reasoning on both sides.
A short time into the conversation, Ky said. "I want to tell you what I was going to say now." It took me a moment to work out what he meant, then I realized. What he was going to say while I was there, that he refused to tell me. So I said ok, and I waited, almost shaking with nerves, while he took a deep breath and said,
"I don't know if I love you, I don't know if I can, but I want to spend the rest of my life finding out"
I cried. He cried. We wept on each others shoulders. I told him how much I loved him, how I'd always loved him, and would never stop loving him. And we decided that night to make it work. June 29th, 2009. And as for where we are now? I love him more today, than I did yesterday, and less than I will tomorrow. And he is always by my side, no matter what the distance. True love really can conquer all.
Enjoy your day!
I met Ky playing World of Warcraft, at the time I was engaged to another guy (yes...yes...I know) and staying in Las Vegas. We were in the same guild, and he logged into vent and joined myself and some friends chatting. Now I don't quite know what happened in the first hour, but suddenly I get a whisper from my friend Dwayne saying "you know you're driving him crazy right?"
So this gets me to thinking. How long had it been since I drove someone crazy. My fiance at the time was a workaholic, no time for me, so I became addicted to the computer screen. It destroyed our relationship. And I was feeling sorely neglected, and he was a guild member I hadn't really met yet, so I shot him a whisper. We flirted a little, he'd been drinking, we were hangin out and having a good time. My partner at the time came home, so we decided to call it a night, but made plans to meet up and hang out the next day.
He didn't show the next day. I was a little hurt, more than a little upset, and all my self confidence flew straight out of the window. I was just getting ready to sign out when he logged in, apologizing profusely. He'd been in a car accident, and had to sort all that out before he could race home to see me. My heart melted and I spent another three hours making sure he was ok and just talking.
We spent every day together after that, I knew his work schedule, we would hang out before work and for a few hours after he got home. It was fantastic, we soon feel into a relationship category, while I was still engaged to another guy, although anyone who really knew us had been able to tell for a while that it was over.
When I got back to the UK in January, my engagement was broken off. I have no contact with that man anymore, I've moved on with my life and regret nothing. Ky and I had a fantastic time, although seeing each other was harder with the time difference. Then my home life got bad, and Ky panicked about the distance, and broke things off in February. My soul was shattered, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't know what to do. I thought I was crazy at the time, I couldn't bring myself to believe for a while I was mourning the loss of my true love.
We stayed in touch, never lost touch for more than a week, we still cared deeply for one another, and found ourselves unable to keep our hands to ourselves a lot of the time. I didn't date at all, didn't want to date anyone else, I was holding out in the hopes I would get my man back. In April, he decided he had to see me, to decide whether he wanted me or wanted to move on.
I flew out to Florida in early May. The flights were a nightmare, let me tell you. First flight was delayed by hours, causing me to miss my connection and barely manage to get a seat on the next flight. By the time I got there, it was 5 hours after I was supposed to be there, and somewhere along the line I'm got a digit in Ky's phone number wrong and couldn't call him. I expected him not to be there, I expected to have to get to the hotel and spend a week in misery praying he would come to the hotel. His face grinning at me across the airport is a moment I'll never forget for as long as I live. When I saw him, I thought "that's the man I'm going to love for the rest of my life, whether he wants me or not"
We had a fantastic week together, saw some friends, ate out, watched a few movies.....and the sex....*whistle* mmmm mmmm MMM. Towards the end of my stay, we had some serious chats about our relationship, most of which ended with me in tears. One conversation, Ky made to say something, then stopped. I hampered him all day for what he was going to say, he refused, he'd tell me later....always later. Eventually I gave up and forgot about it.
It rained so bad the day I was leaving. Poured. We could barely see the road. I couldn't let go of him in the airport, and he just held me while I cried like a child. Eventually I got on my plane and got back, where I let him know I was safe and everything was ok.
Time went by, we stayed as we were, friends with benefits for the most part, and our own little private jokes, like SKAHLUH! (you have to be a bones fanatic to get that) and it stayed that way til mid-end of June.
I upset him, and if you scroll down to the first post I ever made, we're bang on target with that, I wrote that the night I upset him really badly, and he stopped talking to me for a week. In that time I decided I was hurting him too badly and I should move on to save him any more pain and grief. So I got involved with a mutual friend, who'd been crazy about my accent since he met me. I'm an honest person, so when Ky and I started speaking again I told him what was going on. Oh dear. Bad move. He went insane. Totally insane. I immediately regretted it, he said some pretty hurtful things, and I retaliated, and we acted like worst enemies for a week.
About this time, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It was bad, my doctor said. I had to be tested for uterine cancer, it was that bad. There was talk of hysterectomies, allsorts. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, so I turned to the only source of support I'd ever been able to rely on....Ky.
At first he was dubious about talking to me. As I sobbed and told him what was going on. He softened. He was there for me, like he always was. And I loved him even more for being there for me no matter what happened. Eventually the medical professionals all agreed that it was nowhere near as serious as they thought, and I may even be able to have children one day.
A few days later Ky got drunk, I broke things off with the friend a few days before because I couldn't keep seeing him knowing how I felt about Ky, but Ky never knew that, he thought I was still seeing him. And he got into vent and cried. And screamed. And demanded to know what right this guy had to edge in on "his girl". A long long long talk ensued, with a lot of reasoning on both sides.
A short time into the conversation, Ky said. "I want to tell you what I was going to say now." It took me a moment to work out what he meant, then I realized. What he was going to say while I was there, that he refused to tell me. So I said ok, and I waited, almost shaking with nerves, while he took a deep breath and said,
"I don't know if I love you, I don't know if I can, but I want to spend the rest of my life finding out"
I cried. He cried. We wept on each others shoulders. I told him how much I loved him, how I'd always loved him, and would never stop loving him. And we decided that night to make it work. June 29th, 2009. And as for where we are now? I love him more today, than I did yesterday, and less than I will tomorrow. And he is always by my side, no matter what the distance. True love really can conquer all.
Enjoy your day!
Friday 28 August 2009
rawr
Full credit to Gurl.So today is depressive day. It happens. I have these days a lot. It's mainly centering on not being able to find a job. At all. In three weeks, I've found one job I am qualified to apply for. One. Fuck my life. Why the hell did I drop out of college, I could be earning a real income right about now. But no, I had to go a get fucked up with my "friends" instead and cost myself a good education. Lesson to the not so wise. Stay in school. You'll regret it if you don't.
Ky, on the other hand. Has a job which he hates. HATES. And I feel for him, I really do. I admire him for sticking a job he hates. But his options seem SO much broader than mine. I did a quick browse earlier today and within five minutes found five other jobs locally for him which he could apply for and likely get. I don't hate him for it, I love him to shreds. I'm just jealous at how many options he has while I struggle to put together one application form. It's such a struggle here right now. I can barely make ends meet, I'm not even sure yet if I'm really going to be able to. But I have to, for my sake, and for the sake of my relationship. I have to make it work.
That's a lotta stress to be putting on a 21 year old with some serious issues. A lotta stress, i tell ya. I dunno wtf I'm doing half the time, some days are better than others obviously. but most days, it's just a constant cycle of bills, payments, debt, out of debt, more bills. It's enough to drive anyone insane.
How the hell am I supposed to be able to survive on 100 pounds every two weeks. It's a ridiculous amount of money, did they not compensate for bills in that? Did they not consider the issues that the every day person might have, that everyone has incredibly different needs? Sure, 100 pounds a fortnight, for anyone over 18 living at home with their mom. It's a perfect amount, leaves you enough to pay a small rent fee to your parents and still get the things you need. I have to pay gas, electric, water, phoneline and internet (yes this is a necessity, I'm in a long distance relationship remember) food for myself, and then try and have some spare cash left over for any travelling I need to do, and to try and make some savings for emergency months. It's practically impossible. Impossible.
Everything's too much today. I don't know what to do right now, I feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of a well with no way out, or spiralling out of control in a whirlpool. Where do I go from here? What can I do to make this better? There's not much I can do that I'm not already doing. Find work. That's my only option. And by FUCK is it hard to find work around here. I'm struggling so badly, crying out for help from any source I can possibly find right now. Alas, there aren't many sources readily available to me, and I missed a damn appointment today that would've helped me no end.
*heaves a great sigh* I just don't know what to do. I wish something would magically appear and make this shit better. But it won't. It never does.
Enjoy your day.
Thursday 27 August 2009
*stretch and flex*
Blargh blargh blargh. 4am and waiting for Ky to get home from work. So may as well get the fingers tapping, lest I forget that I actually have a blog here I'm supposed to update!
So, as I mentioned, long distance relationships. Let me say right now. This stuff aint for the faint hearted. You gotta have a heart the size of Europe and the strength, will and determination of an ox to get your head around it all. Not one single day is easy. Not one. And anyone who says it gets easier with time is an ass and naive and likely never experienced the trials and tribulations a long distance couple dedicated to each other go through.
Ky and I have been together a while, we fit together like two sides of the same coin. I tell him often he's the yin to my yang haha, and it's true, we agree and fit so well, and when we disagree it's so opposite that we can agree to disagree. We barely fight, ever, just the occasional blow up about nothing when we're stressed. And we're very, very much in love. In a, five minutes around us will give you diabetes, sense of the word =P
But for all that we love each other to the ends of the earth, and can't imagine being with anyone else, our relationship is so hard. 4,000 miles distance is no small thing, and a 5 hour time difference isn't either. We struggle through each day knowing it's one day closer to being back in each other's arms, but it's still a tremendous struggle for the both of us. I just want to cuddle up with him most nights, and not being able to drives me insane.
But for anyone thinking "oh god, this is too hard, I can't do this" just stop. Think to yourself "do I love this person? would I give everything for them, including my own happiness?" if the answer here is yes, then I strongly suggest you give this relationship a shot, because you would be surprised at the resilience of the human race. Your biggest worry factor is trust. You need complete trust in each other for it to work. Non-negotiable.
If you read this and think "ok, I think I can do this, but I don't think I can do it alone" remember, you're not alone, your SO (significant other) is right there with you, fighting at your side for your relationship, and if you need extra support from an understanding support network, scroll down just one blog post for the LFAD link, and find people who know what you're going through.
Just remember "strengths and weaknesses make us human. True love makes us divine"
Enjoy your day!
So, as I mentioned, long distance relationships. Let me say right now. This stuff aint for the faint hearted. You gotta have a heart the size of Europe and the strength, will and determination of an ox to get your head around it all. Not one single day is easy. Not one. And anyone who says it gets easier with time is an ass and naive and likely never experienced the trials and tribulations a long distance couple dedicated to each other go through.
Ky and I have been together a while, we fit together like two sides of the same coin. I tell him often he's the yin to my yang haha, and it's true, we agree and fit so well, and when we disagree it's so opposite that we can agree to disagree. We barely fight, ever, just the occasional blow up about nothing when we're stressed. And we're very, very much in love. In a, five minutes around us will give you diabetes, sense of the word =P
But for all that we love each other to the ends of the earth, and can't imagine being with anyone else, our relationship is so hard. 4,000 miles distance is no small thing, and a 5 hour time difference isn't either. We struggle through each day knowing it's one day closer to being back in each other's arms, but it's still a tremendous struggle for the both of us. I just want to cuddle up with him most nights, and not being able to drives me insane.
But for anyone thinking "oh god, this is too hard, I can't do this" just stop. Think to yourself "do I love this person? would I give everything for them, including my own happiness?" if the answer here is yes, then I strongly suggest you give this relationship a shot, because you would be surprised at the resilience of the human race. Your biggest worry factor is trust. You need complete trust in each other for it to work. Non-negotiable.
If you read this and think "ok, I think I can do this, but I don't think I can do it alone" remember, you're not alone, your SO (significant other) is right there with you, fighting at your side for your relationship, and if you need extra support from an understanding support network, scroll down just one blog post for the LFAD link, and find people who know what you're going through.
Just remember "strengths and weaknesses make us human. True love makes us divine"
Enjoy your day!
Wednesday 26 August 2009
ho hum, de dum dum
Well well well, what a depressed state I left that one poor post in. I'm going to leave it there because I want to remember just how bad my life was when Kyle and I were split up.
For the record, a lot happened, and Kyle and I got back together in June 29th, and from there onwards it's been a constant uphill struggle of joy and suffering. So now, instead of moping, I'm going to use this thingy here called blogging to try and map a path through the hectic nightmare of pure bliss this long distance relationship is going to be.
Before I even go any further, I'd like to thank a few people who have quickly become a steadfast support network for me, after finding a very amazing website called loving from a distance - http://lovingfromadistance.webs.com/ which has helped keep my relationship stable and strong, and provided me with some great friends who understand the trials of long distance love. So first of all, thankyou to Frank and Michelle, the owners of the website, who without I would not have discovered such steady support. And thankyou to Semper, Gurl, Jhorwich, Zephii, and plenty of others who I couldn't possibly have the time to name. Over the past couple of weeks, I've felt able to discuss the problems I'm having and get the support I need. Thankyou all.
More to come, obviously, but I'm going to try and keep posts fairly short, lengthy reading leads to dull lives.
Enjoy your day!
For the record, a lot happened, and Kyle and I got back together in June 29th, and from there onwards it's been a constant uphill struggle of joy and suffering. So now, instead of moping, I'm going to use this thingy here called blogging to try and map a path through the hectic nightmare of pure bliss this long distance relationship is going to be.
Before I even go any further, I'd like to thank a few people who have quickly become a steadfast support network for me, after finding a very amazing website called loving from a distance - http://lovingfromadistance.webs.com/ which has helped keep my relationship stable and strong, and provided me with some great friends who understand the trials of long distance love. So first of all, thankyou to Frank and Michelle, the owners of the website, who without I would not have discovered such steady support. And thankyou to Semper, Gurl, Jhorwich, Zephii, and plenty of others who I couldn't possibly have the time to name. Over the past couple of weeks, I've felt able to discuss the problems I'm having and get the support I need. Thankyou all.
More to come, obviously, but I'm going to try and keep posts fairly short, lengthy reading leads to dull lives.
Enjoy your day!
Saturday 13 June 2009
The beginning, and maybe the end.
Wow, blogging, something I never thought I would do, it's almost scary, new things, new beginnings, I should start relaying myself into this, while personal to me, I'm possibly not the only person in the world to view this, and I guess, maybe, I'm kind of hoping that someone out there understands and relates.
Before anyone tries to tell me any different, I'm not sick, and I never have been. I have problems. I get paranoid fast, I'm very depressed, all the time. It's like a dark tunnel I will never ever see the end of. I refuse to take medication, becauseI don't want to spend the rest of my days dosed up like I used to be, they don't fix anything, they just hide it. Counselling has never worked, I've been in counselling 7 times and seen 15 various head people, how a stranger with no conception of me could possibly understand me I don't know. My mother hates me, of this I'm sure. She thinks i'm ill, that doctors can cure me. I know this isn't the case, and as such I get by from day to day with a slim amount of ease.
I hurt the person I love today. Not my partner, I'm obviously too mentally incompetent to keep down a relationship, it doesn't mean I can't love people, and I love one person, to death. And I hurt him, badly. I belittled his ideals, and that was very wrong of me. I've been struggling to walk away from him for a while, because how much I feel for him, I've never experienced anything so strong. But now, I feel that I should walk away before I hurt him more, no matter how much pain it causes me. If I love him so much I should want him to be happy, right? Even at the cost of my own happiness. I'm beginning to understand why saying that is harder than doing it, I've never been in love before, so I've never had an understanding of how hard it is.
I don't want to go through life regretting anything, especially holding him back from having a quality of life that he deserves, that's not fair. Maybe it's time to spend to entirety of my being working on me, instead of trying to hold onto things that aren't there anymore. It's time for me, as they say. I just hope I can pull through and actually focus on me more than I can him. And if things happen, they happen.
Before anyone tries to tell me any different, I'm not sick, and I never have been. I have problems. I get paranoid fast, I'm very depressed, all the time. It's like a dark tunnel I will never ever see the end of. I refuse to take medication, becauseI don't want to spend the rest of my days dosed up like I used to be, they don't fix anything, they just hide it. Counselling has never worked, I've been in counselling 7 times and seen 15 various head people, how a stranger with no conception of me could possibly understand me I don't know. My mother hates me, of this I'm sure. She thinks i'm ill, that doctors can cure me. I know this isn't the case, and as such I get by from day to day with a slim amount of ease.
I hurt the person I love today. Not my partner, I'm obviously too mentally incompetent to keep down a relationship, it doesn't mean I can't love people, and I love one person, to death. And I hurt him, badly. I belittled his ideals, and that was very wrong of me. I've been struggling to walk away from him for a while, because how much I feel for him, I've never experienced anything so strong. But now, I feel that I should walk away before I hurt him more, no matter how much pain it causes me. If I love him so much I should want him to be happy, right? Even at the cost of my own happiness. I'm beginning to understand why saying that is harder than doing it, I've never been in love before, so I've never had an understanding of how hard it is.
I don't want to go through life regretting anything, especially holding him back from having a quality of life that he deserves, that's not fair. Maybe it's time to spend to entirety of my being working on me, instead of trying to hold onto things that aren't there anymore. It's time for me, as they say. I just hope I can pull through and actually focus on me more than I can him. And if things happen, they happen.
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