The beginning, and maybe the end.

Wow, blogging, something I never thought I would do, it's almost scary, new things, new beginnings, I should start relaying myself into this, while personal to me, I'm possibly not the only person in the world to view this, and I guess, maybe, I'm kind of hoping that someone out there understands and relates.

Before anyone tries to tell me any different, I'm not sick, and I never have been. I have problems. I get paranoid fast, I'm very depressed, all the time. It's like a dark tunnel I will never ever see the end of. I refuse to take medication, becauseI don't want to spend the rest of my days dosed up like I used to be, they don't fix anything, they just hide it. Counselling has never worked, I've been in counselling 7 times and seen 15 various head people, how a stranger with no conception of me could possibly understand me I don't know. My mother hates me, of this I'm sure. She thinks i'm ill, that doctors can cure me. I know this isn't the case, and as such I get by from day to day with a slim amount of ease.

I hurt the person I love today. Not my partner, I'm obviously too mentally incompetent to keep down a relationship, it doesn't mean I can't love people, and I love one person, to death. And I hurt him, badly. I belittled his ideals, and that was very wrong of me. I've been struggling to walk away from him for a while, because how much I feel for him, I've never experienced anything so strong. But now, I feel that I should walk away before I hurt him more, no matter how much pain it causes me. If I love him so much I should want him to be happy, right? Even at the cost of my own happiness. I'm beginning to understand why saying that is harder than doing it, I've never been in love before, so I've never had an understanding of how hard it is.

I don't want to go through life regretting anything, especially holding him back from having a quality of life that he deserves, that's not fair. Maybe it's time to spend to entirety of my being working on me, instead of trying to hold onto things that aren't there anymore. It's time for me, as they say. I just hope I can pull through and actually focus on me more than I can him. And if things happen, they happen.