Today's been a fairly good day I reckon, in all honesty. Ky came online early, and we chatted for quite a while. My webcam came yesterday so he's absolutely ecstatic that he can see his girl, and makes wild attempts to be late for work cos he doesn't wanna go. Haha, silly boy :)
He's not closing tonight either ^_^ so he'll be home early, and then tomorrow he's not working, so we get to spend the whole day together watchin movies and chillin around the house and doin all the good stuff we only get chance to do one or two days a week. It's sometimes awkward with his work times, because he's alwas working when I wanna be seeing him, but if he worked while I was asleep it would be even worse I think, we'd hardly ever see each other, compared to the amount we do.
All in all, we have a pretty big amount of contact goin on, I know LDR couples who don't get to speak to their SOs for up to a week. I'd hate that, I'd be strong enough to get through it, but I'd hate it. And so would Ky, he'd be sneakin online whenever he could just to see me.
Jumble the Infamous Cat of Nightmare has been fairly quiet for a couple days =/ uh oh, tomorrow, I'm expecting my house to be trashed, she's only chilled when she's preparing for a huge foray into being a complete and utter terror. So yeah, I'm not looking forward to a Jumble Episode haha, but hey, cleaning day on Tuesday, can't really complain much.
I don't really have much all to talk about today, I never really do on good days. Just keepin yer chin up will get you through almost anything. If you aren't moving backwards, you're moving somewhere, nothing in life is stationary.
Enjoy your day!
Sunday 30 August 2009
Saturday 29 August 2009
The story
After a few days of blogging the finer details of my day (heh) I figure that as this is focused on my relationship, I should maybe tell my tale.
I met Ky playing World of Warcraft, at the time I was engaged to another guy (yes...yes...I know) and staying in Las Vegas. We were in the same guild, and he logged into vent and joined myself and some friends chatting. Now I don't quite know what happened in the first hour, but suddenly I get a whisper from my friend Dwayne saying "you know you're driving him crazy right?"
So this gets me to thinking. How long had it been since I drove someone crazy. My fiance at the time was a workaholic, no time for me, so I became addicted to the computer screen. It destroyed our relationship. And I was feeling sorely neglected, and he was a guild member I hadn't really met yet, so I shot him a whisper. We flirted a little, he'd been drinking, we were hangin out and having a good time. My partner at the time came home, so we decided to call it a night, but made plans to meet up and hang out the next day.
He didn't show the next day. I was a little hurt, more than a little upset, and all my self confidence flew straight out of the window. I was just getting ready to sign out when he logged in, apologizing profusely. He'd been in a car accident, and had to sort all that out before he could race home to see me. My heart melted and I spent another three hours making sure he was ok and just talking.
We spent every day together after that, I knew his work schedule, we would hang out before work and for a few hours after he got home. It was fantastic, we soon feel into a relationship category, while I was still engaged to another guy, although anyone who really knew us had been able to tell for a while that it was over.
When I got back to the UK in January, my engagement was broken off. I have no contact with that man anymore, I've moved on with my life and regret nothing. Ky and I had a fantastic time, although seeing each other was harder with the time difference. Then my home life got bad, and Ky panicked about the distance, and broke things off in February. My soul was shattered, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't know what to do. I thought I was crazy at the time, I couldn't bring myself to believe for a while I was mourning the loss of my true love.
We stayed in touch, never lost touch for more than a week, we still cared deeply for one another, and found ourselves unable to keep our hands to ourselves a lot of the time. I didn't date at all, didn't want to date anyone else, I was holding out in the hopes I would get my man back. In April, he decided he had to see me, to decide whether he wanted me or wanted to move on.
I flew out to Florida in early May. The flights were a nightmare, let me tell you. First flight was delayed by hours, causing me to miss my connection and barely manage to get a seat on the next flight. By the time I got there, it was 5 hours after I was supposed to be there, and somewhere along the line I'm got a digit in Ky's phone number wrong and couldn't call him. I expected him not to be there, I expected to have to get to the hotel and spend a week in misery praying he would come to the hotel. His face grinning at me across the airport is a moment I'll never forget for as long as I live. When I saw him, I thought "that's the man I'm going to love for the rest of my life, whether he wants me or not"
We had a fantastic week together, saw some friends, ate out, watched a few movies.....and the sex....*whistle* mmmm mmmm MMM. Towards the end of my stay, we had some serious chats about our relationship, most of which ended with me in tears. One conversation, Ky made to say something, then stopped. I hampered him all day for what he was going to say, he refused, he'd tell me later....always later. Eventually I gave up and forgot about it.
It rained so bad the day I was leaving. Poured. We could barely see the road. I couldn't let go of him in the airport, and he just held me while I cried like a child. Eventually I got on my plane and got back, where I let him know I was safe and everything was ok.
Time went by, we stayed as we were, friends with benefits for the most part, and our own little private jokes, like SKAHLUH! (you have to be a bones fanatic to get that) and it stayed that way til mid-end of June.
I upset him, and if you scroll down to the first post I ever made, we're bang on target with that, I wrote that the night I upset him really badly, and he stopped talking to me for a week. In that time I decided I was hurting him too badly and I should move on to save him any more pain and grief. So I got involved with a mutual friend, who'd been crazy about my accent since he met me. I'm an honest person, so when Ky and I started speaking again I told him what was going on. Oh dear. Bad move. He went insane. Totally insane. I immediately regretted it, he said some pretty hurtful things, and I retaliated, and we acted like worst enemies for a week.
About this time, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It was bad, my doctor said. I had to be tested for uterine cancer, it was that bad. There was talk of hysterectomies, allsorts. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, so I turned to the only source of support I'd ever been able to rely on....Ky.
At first he was dubious about talking to me. As I sobbed and told him what was going on. He softened. He was there for me, like he always was. And I loved him even more for being there for me no matter what happened. Eventually the medical professionals all agreed that it was nowhere near as serious as they thought, and I may even be able to have children one day.
A few days later Ky got drunk, I broke things off with the friend a few days before because I couldn't keep seeing him knowing how I felt about Ky, but Ky never knew that, he thought I was still seeing him. And he got into vent and cried. And screamed. And demanded to know what right this guy had to edge in on "his girl". A long long long talk ensued, with a lot of reasoning on both sides.
A short time into the conversation, Ky said. "I want to tell you what I was going to say now." It took me a moment to work out what he meant, then I realized. What he was going to say while I was there, that he refused to tell me. So I said ok, and I waited, almost shaking with nerves, while he took a deep breath and said,
"I don't know if I love you, I don't know if I can, but I want to spend the rest of my life finding out"
I cried. He cried. We wept on each others shoulders. I told him how much I loved him, how I'd always loved him, and would never stop loving him. And we decided that night to make it work. June 29th, 2009. And as for where we are now? I love him more today, than I did yesterday, and less than I will tomorrow. And he is always by my side, no matter what the distance. True love really can conquer all.
Enjoy your day!
I met Ky playing World of Warcraft, at the time I was engaged to another guy (yes...yes...I know) and staying in Las Vegas. We were in the same guild, and he logged into vent and joined myself and some friends chatting. Now I don't quite know what happened in the first hour, but suddenly I get a whisper from my friend Dwayne saying "you know you're driving him crazy right?"
So this gets me to thinking. How long had it been since I drove someone crazy. My fiance at the time was a workaholic, no time for me, so I became addicted to the computer screen. It destroyed our relationship. And I was feeling sorely neglected, and he was a guild member I hadn't really met yet, so I shot him a whisper. We flirted a little, he'd been drinking, we were hangin out and having a good time. My partner at the time came home, so we decided to call it a night, but made plans to meet up and hang out the next day.
He didn't show the next day. I was a little hurt, more than a little upset, and all my self confidence flew straight out of the window. I was just getting ready to sign out when he logged in, apologizing profusely. He'd been in a car accident, and had to sort all that out before he could race home to see me. My heart melted and I spent another three hours making sure he was ok and just talking.
We spent every day together after that, I knew his work schedule, we would hang out before work and for a few hours after he got home. It was fantastic, we soon feel into a relationship category, while I was still engaged to another guy, although anyone who really knew us had been able to tell for a while that it was over.
When I got back to the UK in January, my engagement was broken off. I have no contact with that man anymore, I've moved on with my life and regret nothing. Ky and I had a fantastic time, although seeing each other was harder with the time difference. Then my home life got bad, and Ky panicked about the distance, and broke things off in February. My soul was shattered, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't know what to do. I thought I was crazy at the time, I couldn't bring myself to believe for a while I was mourning the loss of my true love.
We stayed in touch, never lost touch for more than a week, we still cared deeply for one another, and found ourselves unable to keep our hands to ourselves a lot of the time. I didn't date at all, didn't want to date anyone else, I was holding out in the hopes I would get my man back. In April, he decided he had to see me, to decide whether he wanted me or wanted to move on.
I flew out to Florida in early May. The flights were a nightmare, let me tell you. First flight was delayed by hours, causing me to miss my connection and barely manage to get a seat on the next flight. By the time I got there, it was 5 hours after I was supposed to be there, and somewhere along the line I'm got a digit in Ky's phone number wrong and couldn't call him. I expected him not to be there, I expected to have to get to the hotel and spend a week in misery praying he would come to the hotel. His face grinning at me across the airport is a moment I'll never forget for as long as I live. When I saw him, I thought "that's the man I'm going to love for the rest of my life, whether he wants me or not"
We had a fantastic week together, saw some friends, ate out, watched a few movies.....and the sex....*whistle* mmmm mmmm MMM. Towards the end of my stay, we had some serious chats about our relationship, most of which ended with me in tears. One conversation, Ky made to say something, then stopped. I hampered him all day for what he was going to say, he refused, he'd tell me later....always later. Eventually I gave up and forgot about it.
It rained so bad the day I was leaving. Poured. We could barely see the road. I couldn't let go of him in the airport, and he just held me while I cried like a child. Eventually I got on my plane and got back, where I let him know I was safe and everything was ok.
Time went by, we stayed as we were, friends with benefits for the most part, and our own little private jokes, like SKAHLUH! (you have to be a bones fanatic to get that) and it stayed that way til mid-end of June.
I upset him, and if you scroll down to the first post I ever made, we're bang on target with that, I wrote that the night I upset him really badly, and he stopped talking to me for a week. In that time I decided I was hurting him too badly and I should move on to save him any more pain and grief. So I got involved with a mutual friend, who'd been crazy about my accent since he met me. I'm an honest person, so when Ky and I started speaking again I told him what was going on. Oh dear. Bad move. He went insane. Totally insane. I immediately regretted it, he said some pretty hurtful things, and I retaliated, and we acted like worst enemies for a week.
About this time, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It was bad, my doctor said. I had to be tested for uterine cancer, it was that bad. There was talk of hysterectomies, allsorts. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, so I turned to the only source of support I'd ever been able to rely on....Ky.
At first he was dubious about talking to me. As I sobbed and told him what was going on. He softened. He was there for me, like he always was. And I loved him even more for being there for me no matter what happened. Eventually the medical professionals all agreed that it was nowhere near as serious as they thought, and I may even be able to have children one day.
A few days later Ky got drunk, I broke things off with the friend a few days before because I couldn't keep seeing him knowing how I felt about Ky, but Ky never knew that, he thought I was still seeing him. And he got into vent and cried. And screamed. And demanded to know what right this guy had to edge in on "his girl". A long long long talk ensued, with a lot of reasoning on both sides.
A short time into the conversation, Ky said. "I want to tell you what I was going to say now." It took me a moment to work out what he meant, then I realized. What he was going to say while I was there, that he refused to tell me. So I said ok, and I waited, almost shaking with nerves, while he took a deep breath and said,
"I don't know if I love you, I don't know if I can, but I want to spend the rest of my life finding out"
I cried. He cried. We wept on each others shoulders. I told him how much I loved him, how I'd always loved him, and would never stop loving him. And we decided that night to make it work. June 29th, 2009. And as for where we are now? I love him more today, than I did yesterday, and less than I will tomorrow. And he is always by my side, no matter what the distance. True love really can conquer all.
Enjoy your day!
Friday 28 August 2009
rawr
Full credit to Gurl.So today is depressive day. It happens. I have these days a lot. It's mainly centering on not being able to find a job. At all. In three weeks, I've found one job I am qualified to apply for. One. Fuck my life. Why the hell did I drop out of college, I could be earning a real income right about now. But no, I had to go a get fucked up with my "friends" instead and cost myself a good education. Lesson to the not so wise. Stay in school. You'll regret it if you don't.
Ky, on the other hand. Has a job which he hates. HATES. And I feel for him, I really do. I admire him for sticking a job he hates. But his options seem SO much broader than mine. I did a quick browse earlier today and within five minutes found five other jobs locally for him which he could apply for and likely get. I don't hate him for it, I love him to shreds. I'm just jealous at how many options he has while I struggle to put together one application form. It's such a struggle here right now. I can barely make ends meet, I'm not even sure yet if I'm really going to be able to. But I have to, for my sake, and for the sake of my relationship. I have to make it work.
That's a lotta stress to be putting on a 21 year old with some serious issues. A lotta stress, i tell ya. I dunno wtf I'm doing half the time, some days are better than others obviously. but most days, it's just a constant cycle of bills, payments, debt, out of debt, more bills. It's enough to drive anyone insane.
How the hell am I supposed to be able to survive on 100 pounds every two weeks. It's a ridiculous amount of money, did they not compensate for bills in that? Did they not consider the issues that the every day person might have, that everyone has incredibly different needs? Sure, 100 pounds a fortnight, for anyone over 18 living at home with their mom. It's a perfect amount, leaves you enough to pay a small rent fee to your parents and still get the things you need. I have to pay gas, electric, water, phoneline and internet (yes this is a necessity, I'm in a long distance relationship remember) food for myself, and then try and have some spare cash left over for any travelling I need to do, and to try and make some savings for emergency months. It's practically impossible. Impossible.
Everything's too much today. I don't know what to do right now, I feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of a well with no way out, or spiralling out of control in a whirlpool. Where do I go from here? What can I do to make this better? There's not much I can do that I'm not already doing. Find work. That's my only option. And by FUCK is it hard to find work around here. I'm struggling so badly, crying out for help from any source I can possibly find right now. Alas, there aren't many sources readily available to me, and I missed a damn appointment today that would've helped me no end.
*heaves a great sigh* I just don't know what to do. I wish something would magically appear and make this shit better. But it won't. It never does.
Enjoy your day.
Thursday 27 August 2009
*stretch and flex*
Blargh blargh blargh. 4am and waiting for Ky to get home from work. So may as well get the fingers tapping, lest I forget that I actually have a blog here I'm supposed to update!
So, as I mentioned, long distance relationships. Let me say right now. This stuff aint for the faint hearted. You gotta have a heart the size of Europe and the strength, will and determination of an ox to get your head around it all. Not one single day is easy. Not one. And anyone who says it gets easier with time is an ass and naive and likely never experienced the trials and tribulations a long distance couple dedicated to each other go through.
Ky and I have been together a while, we fit together like two sides of the same coin. I tell him often he's the yin to my yang haha, and it's true, we agree and fit so well, and when we disagree it's so opposite that we can agree to disagree. We barely fight, ever, just the occasional blow up about nothing when we're stressed. And we're very, very much in love. In a, five minutes around us will give you diabetes, sense of the word =P
But for all that we love each other to the ends of the earth, and can't imagine being with anyone else, our relationship is so hard. 4,000 miles distance is no small thing, and a 5 hour time difference isn't either. We struggle through each day knowing it's one day closer to being back in each other's arms, but it's still a tremendous struggle for the both of us. I just want to cuddle up with him most nights, and not being able to drives me insane.
But for anyone thinking "oh god, this is too hard, I can't do this" just stop. Think to yourself "do I love this person? would I give everything for them, including my own happiness?" if the answer here is yes, then I strongly suggest you give this relationship a shot, because you would be surprised at the resilience of the human race. Your biggest worry factor is trust. You need complete trust in each other for it to work. Non-negotiable.
If you read this and think "ok, I think I can do this, but I don't think I can do it alone" remember, you're not alone, your SO (significant other) is right there with you, fighting at your side for your relationship, and if you need extra support from an understanding support network, scroll down just one blog post for the LFAD link, and find people who know what you're going through.
Just remember "strengths and weaknesses make us human. True love makes us divine"
Enjoy your day!
So, as I mentioned, long distance relationships. Let me say right now. This stuff aint for the faint hearted. You gotta have a heart the size of Europe and the strength, will and determination of an ox to get your head around it all. Not one single day is easy. Not one. And anyone who says it gets easier with time is an ass and naive and likely never experienced the trials and tribulations a long distance couple dedicated to each other go through.
Ky and I have been together a while, we fit together like two sides of the same coin. I tell him often he's the yin to my yang haha, and it's true, we agree and fit so well, and when we disagree it's so opposite that we can agree to disagree. We barely fight, ever, just the occasional blow up about nothing when we're stressed. And we're very, very much in love. In a, five minutes around us will give you diabetes, sense of the word =P
But for all that we love each other to the ends of the earth, and can't imagine being with anyone else, our relationship is so hard. 4,000 miles distance is no small thing, and a 5 hour time difference isn't either. We struggle through each day knowing it's one day closer to being back in each other's arms, but it's still a tremendous struggle for the both of us. I just want to cuddle up with him most nights, and not being able to drives me insane.
But for anyone thinking "oh god, this is too hard, I can't do this" just stop. Think to yourself "do I love this person? would I give everything for them, including my own happiness?" if the answer here is yes, then I strongly suggest you give this relationship a shot, because you would be surprised at the resilience of the human race. Your biggest worry factor is trust. You need complete trust in each other for it to work. Non-negotiable.
If you read this and think "ok, I think I can do this, but I don't think I can do it alone" remember, you're not alone, your SO (significant other) is right there with you, fighting at your side for your relationship, and if you need extra support from an understanding support network, scroll down just one blog post for the LFAD link, and find people who know what you're going through.
Just remember "strengths and weaknesses make us human. True love makes us divine"
Enjoy your day!
Wednesday 26 August 2009
ho hum, de dum dum
Well well well, what a depressed state I left that one poor post in. I'm going to leave it there because I want to remember just how bad my life was when Kyle and I were split up.
For the record, a lot happened, and Kyle and I got back together in June 29th, and from there onwards it's been a constant uphill struggle of joy and suffering. So now, instead of moping, I'm going to use this thingy here called blogging to try and map a path through the hectic nightmare of pure bliss this long distance relationship is going to be.
Before I even go any further, I'd like to thank a few people who have quickly become a steadfast support network for me, after finding a very amazing website called loving from a distance - http://lovingfromadistance.webs.com/ which has helped keep my relationship stable and strong, and provided me with some great friends who understand the trials of long distance love. So first of all, thankyou to Frank and Michelle, the owners of the website, who without I would not have discovered such steady support. And thankyou to Semper, Gurl, Jhorwich, Zephii, and plenty of others who I couldn't possibly have the time to name. Over the past couple of weeks, I've felt able to discuss the problems I'm having and get the support I need. Thankyou all.
More to come, obviously, but I'm going to try and keep posts fairly short, lengthy reading leads to dull lives.
Enjoy your day!
For the record, a lot happened, and Kyle and I got back together in June 29th, and from there onwards it's been a constant uphill struggle of joy and suffering. So now, instead of moping, I'm going to use this thingy here called blogging to try and map a path through the hectic nightmare of pure bliss this long distance relationship is going to be.
Before I even go any further, I'd like to thank a few people who have quickly become a steadfast support network for me, after finding a very amazing website called loving from a distance - http://lovingfromadistance.webs.com/ which has helped keep my relationship stable and strong, and provided me with some great friends who understand the trials of long distance love. So first of all, thankyou to Frank and Michelle, the owners of the website, who without I would not have discovered such steady support. And thankyou to Semper, Gurl, Jhorwich, Zephii, and plenty of others who I couldn't possibly have the time to name. Over the past couple of weeks, I've felt able to discuss the problems I'm having and get the support I need. Thankyou all.
More to come, obviously, but I'm going to try and keep posts fairly short, lengthy reading leads to dull lives.
Enjoy your day!
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