Today, bleh, crappy.
Yesterday, bleh, crappy.
Tomorrow? Bleh, probably crappy.
I've not been posting, because I have nothing to say, at all. Things go from bad to worse sometimes, and recently, my end has been moved further and further out of sight.
Ky was supposed to come out in November, which was awesome. Then bad things happened which I still can't discuss. And it got moved to Jan/Feb. Now it's no idea. Whenever. Just stretch that tunnel of waiting out as far as the eye can see. If Ky decides not to come here, it could be years before I see him again, because I don't have enough money to save any on (see below post).
So right now. Bleh, crappy. I want to punch things and scream and cry about how unfair it is. But I understand why he has to stay out there, and everything that's going on. The reason he doesn't want to come in January is because whenever he goes away he coms home and family crises land all on his head and he gets swamped down. And I don't want him to feel like that, or that I'm pressuring him to come out here. But it makes me so mad sometimes. I would be there in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't, and it sucks. And now the little demons in the back of my head make me feel like he doesn't want to see me again, and that I'll never see him again, which is stupid, and extreme, but in some ways I guess not unfounded.
Shit just keeps getting pushed back and pushed back, it's been 6 months since I last hugged him, and I'm going crazy missing him, and right now I don't know when I'm going to see him again. It could be years before I can hold him in my arms once more
Where's my vodka bottle.
Enjoy your night.
Sunday 4 October 2009
Friday 25 September 2009
UK welfare benefits - surviving on nothing.
Seriously. Surviving on nothing. That is what the unemployed of the UK do now.
Let me clarify just a little
UK Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) Is 51GBP per week. That's just over 200GBP a month. At current conversion rates, that is roughly $326US. A month. A MONTH!
The only bills we have removed are rent and council taxes, any other taxes, electric, gas, water rates, etc etc, are all to be paid out of that amount per month. So lets work this out shall we?
I get 204 per month (no money symbol = GBP, american laptop)
My electricity and gas costs 45 per month, so deduct that = 159
My phone and internet, which are essential for my ldr costs 30 a month = 129
My water rates cost 54 a month = 75
My cellphone contract doesn't end yet, so that costs me 36 p/m = 39
Oh, I had a loan when I moved in, so they deduct 20 p/m for that = 19
Nineteen Pounds. That amount there, good folks, is all I have with which to keep my cat alive, buy essential toiletries (for any confusion, I'm female, shampoo and tampons are considered essential), feed myself, keep my clothes clean, travel to and from job interviews which I never receive anyway, and any other emergency that may come up.
As a result of this, i've lived on nothing but ramen noodles for three weeks. I can't afford anything else, other things take priority.
There have been a hell of a lot of calculations done by various sources, and all agree that the current JSA rate isn't even HALF of what the average single unemployed 21 year old needs to survive on. This is independancy? No wonder adults are living at home with their mom's into their mid 30s, it's impossible to do practically.
As it is, I have no option but to do this, because I have no where I can go. However, I strongly advise anyone who wants out but has no job and no income to think twice about what the fuck they're doing, because it's nowhere near to easy
Enjoy your day.
Let me clarify just a little
UK Jobseekers Allowance (JSA) Is 51GBP per week. That's just over 200GBP a month. At current conversion rates, that is roughly $326US. A month. A MONTH!
The only bills we have removed are rent and council taxes, any other taxes, electric, gas, water rates, etc etc, are all to be paid out of that amount per month. So lets work this out shall we?
I get 204 per month (no money symbol = GBP, american laptop)
My electricity and gas costs 45 per month, so deduct that = 159
My phone and internet, which are essential for my ldr costs 30 a month = 129
My water rates cost 54 a month = 75
My cellphone contract doesn't end yet, so that costs me 36 p/m = 39
Oh, I had a loan when I moved in, so they deduct 20 p/m for that = 19
Nineteen Pounds. That amount there, good folks, is all I have with which to keep my cat alive, buy essential toiletries (for any confusion, I'm female, shampoo and tampons are considered essential), feed myself, keep my clothes clean, travel to and from job interviews which I never receive anyway, and any other emergency that may come up.
As a result of this, i've lived on nothing but ramen noodles for three weeks. I can't afford anything else, other things take priority.
There have been a hell of a lot of calculations done by various sources, and all agree that the current JSA rate isn't even HALF of what the average single unemployed 21 year old needs to survive on. This is independancy? No wonder adults are living at home with their mom's into their mid 30s, it's impossible to do practically.
As it is, I have no option but to do this, because I have no where I can go. However, I strongly advise anyone who wants out but has no job and no income to think twice about what the fuck they're doing, because it's nowhere near to easy
Enjoy your day.
Tuesday 22 September 2009
The coping methods
Ahhhh, copig methods. Yay coping mechanisms, we love them, they're our best relief when we really need something subconcious to help.
However, in a long distance relationship, the coping mechanisms can become really damn strained, I know I spent the last week crying every time I spoke to Ky because I couldn't hug him. That was the main thing on my mind, I couldn't hug him.
So maybe some coping mechanisms are best conciously performed, easier to keep self control.
Deeeeeeeep Breath. ok, this one seems obvious, but the amount of times I get angry and explode before I even think of it is unbelievable. Stop whatever you're doing that's funneling your anger, take a deep breath, hold it for a slow count of ten, let it out. the general consensus is breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. This breathing technique seems to be scorned for a lot of people, don't be so sure, it's the same technique used for most forms of achieving deep meditative states, so there's gotta be something to it.
Open Up. Yup, simple and easy. Instead of bottling it, thinking that your SO has so much going on that your problems seem tiny in comparison, open up, say "this is how i feel." The heart of relationship is "us" you're your own person, but you two are a unit now as well, the good and the bad are meant to be shared, if you doubt this read over the weddings vows again...."for better, for worse"
Pillow punching. I love this one. It makes me happy as a camper. Grab a pillow and lay it flat against something. not pummel the shit out of it, channel every ounce of bad emotion into it. Don't be surprised if you start cryin, it happens. But eventually, you'll get to a stage where you feel drained and just sit there. You'd be surprised how much better one can feel after beating the hell out of an inanimate object.
Cry. Just cry it out. Bawl, scream, pull your hair, stamp your feet, jump up and down like a six year old wanting candy. The inner child in all of us needs to be let out of the box sometimes, and not always for silly time. A good ol fashioned tantrum makes the world seem right again, and if not, you can always hold your breath until you pass out
However, in a long distance relationship, the coping mechanisms can become really damn strained, I know I spent the last week crying every time I spoke to Ky because I couldn't hug him. That was the main thing on my mind, I couldn't hug him.
So maybe some coping mechanisms are best conciously performed, easier to keep self control.
Deeeeeeeep Breath. ok, this one seems obvious, but the amount of times I get angry and explode before I even think of it is unbelievable. Stop whatever you're doing that's funneling your anger, take a deep breath, hold it for a slow count of ten, let it out. the general consensus is breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. This breathing technique seems to be scorned for a lot of people, don't be so sure, it's the same technique used for most forms of achieving deep meditative states, so there's gotta be something to it.
Open Up. Yup, simple and easy. Instead of bottling it, thinking that your SO has so much going on that your problems seem tiny in comparison, open up, say "this is how i feel." The heart of relationship is "us" you're your own person, but you two are a unit now as well, the good and the bad are meant to be shared, if you doubt this read over the weddings vows again...."for better, for worse"
Pillow punching. I love this one. It makes me happy as a camper. Grab a pillow and lay it flat against something. not pummel the shit out of it, channel every ounce of bad emotion into it. Don't be surprised if you start cryin, it happens. But eventually, you'll get to a stage where you feel drained and just sit there. You'd be surprised how much better one can feel after beating the hell out of an inanimate object.
Cry. Just cry it out. Bawl, scream, pull your hair, stamp your feet, jump up and down like a six year old wanting candy. The inner child in all of us needs to be let out of the box sometimes, and not always for silly time. A good ol fashioned tantrum makes the world seem right again, and if not, you can always hold your breath until you pass out
It's been a while
Again, and this time I don't really have much of an excuse apart from things have been rough for me in general. Nothing I can pinpoint, I just feel crappy a lot of the time, I miss Ky so so so SO much, and things just generally suck ass.
However, the world waits on no person, so I've neglected a lot of stuff I should get back on top of, like the dishes >< damn I hate dishes.
However, the world waits on no person, so I've neglected a lot of stuff I should get back on top of, like the dishes >< damn I hate dishes.
Wednesday 16 September 2009
Time to Rebuild.
I finally did it. After years of constant harrassment, bickering, being beaten down time and again, slandered, and many other nasty things, I finally emailed mmy mom and said don't contact me again.
Extreme, maybe. Lets put it a little simpler. My mom told me to my face she wishes she'd never had me, and that I was a mistake. She outright blames me for her failed marriage. This is the marriage SHE couldn't stand to be in any longer, nd practically destroyed my life bitching and whining about, and then she leaves, my step dad gets a new girlfriend, suddenly she wants him back. If-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can syndrome much?
She gave you 15 year old sister anorexia. Before you can debate this fact, let me give you the story. My sister is short for her age, shorter than most 12 year olds, and she's always been average weight, even though she wears it a little thicker due to her height. My mom put her on a diet, so my already insecure sister assumed she was not only short but fat, and starved herself right under my mom's nose until she had bleeding ulcers and cysts throughout her body and was admitted to hospital.
This same mother calls me a compulsive liar, and LIED herself to me about my sister's condition, deciding it wiser instead to tell me she has appendicitis. Refuses to keep me updated on my sister even when I text her, and when I call. And then tells me I never tried to keep updated on how she was.
The same mother that pretty much destroyed my life, and ignored every chance of helping me she could. Instead of offering to get me help when she discovered I was a severe self harmer, she wrapped her hands around my throat. She'll blame me for anything and everything possible.
My mom is the reason I have social interaction problems, because she moved us around every two years so she could switch to a different job. I never had any friends because I wasn't around long enough to make them. I was bullied because I was a bookworm, because I had no friends, and when I tried to go to my mom about these things, she made it into a competition, my life was harder than yours kinda competition.
She's the reason I ended up out on the streets for two years, she's the reason I wake up every day wondering why I'm still breathing when I can't do anything right. She's the reason I believe I'm horrifically fat and hideouly ugly, even though not a single person I meet agrees with this at all. She's the reason I battled bulimia for three years, because she made me believe such hateful things about myself. She's the reason why I hate mmyself and can't change my view of the world.
I'm a twisted person for growing up in that household. Hopefully there is now light at the end of this tunnel. I can finally focus on the most important things in my life. me and Kyle and his family. I love my grandma, she's been my pillar of strength no matter what. And things will start to get better now, I can start climbing that ladder up from the bottom of the well.
Enjoy your day.
Extreme, maybe. Lets put it a little simpler. My mom told me to my face she wishes she'd never had me, and that I was a mistake. She outright blames me for her failed marriage. This is the marriage SHE couldn't stand to be in any longer, nd practically destroyed my life bitching and whining about, and then she leaves, my step dad gets a new girlfriend, suddenly she wants him back. If-I-can't-have-him-nobody-can syndrome much?
She gave you 15 year old sister anorexia. Before you can debate this fact, let me give you the story. My sister is short for her age, shorter than most 12 year olds, and she's always been average weight, even though she wears it a little thicker due to her height. My mom put her on a diet, so my already insecure sister assumed she was not only short but fat, and starved herself right under my mom's nose until she had bleeding ulcers and cysts throughout her body and was admitted to hospital.
This same mother calls me a compulsive liar, and LIED herself to me about my sister's condition, deciding it wiser instead to tell me she has appendicitis. Refuses to keep me updated on my sister even when I text her, and when I call. And then tells me I never tried to keep updated on how she was.
The same mother that pretty much destroyed my life, and ignored every chance of helping me she could. Instead of offering to get me help when she discovered I was a severe self harmer, she wrapped her hands around my throat. She'll blame me for anything and everything possible.
My mom is the reason I have social interaction problems, because she moved us around every two years so she could switch to a different job. I never had any friends because I wasn't around long enough to make them. I was bullied because I was a bookworm, because I had no friends, and when I tried to go to my mom about these things, she made it into a competition, my life was harder than yours kinda competition.
She's the reason I ended up out on the streets for two years, she's the reason I wake up every day wondering why I'm still breathing when I can't do anything right. She's the reason I believe I'm horrifically fat and hideouly ugly, even though not a single person I meet agrees with this at all. She's the reason I battled bulimia for three years, because she made me believe such hateful things about myself. She's the reason why I hate mmyself and can't change my view of the world.
I'm a twisted person for growing up in that household. Hopefully there is now light at the end of this tunnel. I can finally focus on the most important things in my life. me and Kyle and his family. I love my grandma, she's been my pillar of strength no matter what. And things will start to get better now, I can start climbing that ladder up from the bottom of the well.
Enjoy your day.
Tuesday 8 September 2009
ARGHARGHARGHARGHARGH!!!
I think the title really says it all. Nothing whatsoever to do with my relationship, for once. if you cast your eyes right, you'll see a little bar that says under it "I haven't smoked in 2 days" TWO WHOLE DAYS.
Now most people would be proud of this achievement, at their willpower, impressed, etcetc. give. me. a. fuckin. smoke. Seriously. I'm going cold turkey, because I can't afford to smoke, not because I WANT to quit, I don't want to quit, I love smoking, it makes me a calm happy person on a daily basis.
Right now I'm like a hormonal bitch on heat with stomach cramps and no chocolate. I could quite happily sit for an hour popping bubble wrap and feel no joy. No. Joy. At all.
My advice, don't fuckin go cold turkey, it'll destroy 1) your sanity and 2) your anger management.
ARGHHHHHBFLEUJFBLSDHBGVILUSGDBVLBSDILVYGBSILDBV SZDIUvb
Get out of my blog.
Now most people would be proud of this achievement, at their willpower, impressed, etcetc. give. me. a. fuckin. smoke. Seriously. I'm going cold turkey, because I can't afford to smoke, not because I WANT to quit, I don't want to quit, I love smoking, it makes me a calm happy person on a daily basis.
Right now I'm like a hormonal bitch on heat with stomach cramps and no chocolate. I could quite happily sit for an hour popping bubble wrap and feel no joy. No. Joy. At all.
My advice, don't fuckin go cold turkey, it'll destroy 1) your sanity and 2) your anger management.
ARGHHHHHBFLEUJFBLSDHBGVILUSGDBVLBSDILVYGBSILDBV SZDIUvb
Get out of my blog.
Monday 7 September 2009
Obstacles
I was browsing the internet earlier after i woke up and found this little quote which gave me the strength to get out of bed and try and go about my day. It said "Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for."
This made me think very long and very hard about what it is that I want, and whether it's worth it in the long run. My mind, heart and soul will not let me deny that Kyle is the man I've been waiting for my entire life, and that no one else will do. That can possibly seem obsessive. But I fought tooth and nail for my fiance already, I fully intend to keep him for as long as I live. I'll be the first to admit I was almost ready to give up, to say baby, I can't make you hang on anymore, I can't do it to me or to you.
Something today has given me some sheer determination to see all of this through. I would have nothing....nothing, if it was not for the amazing man in my life. He's everything to me. I can't give that up, no matter how hard this road is. I will not give that up.
Today, my speakers play our song, over and over again. It's by Mary J. Blige, and it's called Stay Down. No song relates our lives both apart and together so well, I suggest anyone having doubts about their long distance relationship go hit youtube now, and listen to that song. Nothing will keep me from the love of my life, my soulmate. I dare the world to try it, throw everything you have our way. Because we'll make it through, just like we always do.
Enjoy your day, live life to the fullest, revel in the here and now, don't worry about the future until the future is the present.
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